After I dislodged my head from the drywall, I had 2 thoughts:
1) Wow, this new Metallica song is really good and
2) I may need new drywall
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Me: Like Icarus, I flew too close to the sun.
Wife: You singed your eyebrows using the deep fryer. Again.
Detective: “The victim musta had company. There’s 2 dirty plates in the sink.”
If I ever get murdered they’ll think I had 16 people over.
What if Bugs Bunny unzipped his face and underneath there was just a stack of cockroaches in a bunny suit?
You’d be all like “We shoulda known! It was right there in the name!”
If your girl takes care of animals at the zoo treat her right cause she’s a keeper.
A Southern Diner is a cross between Noah’s Ark and a Deep Fryer.
Winter. When trees are bare, and you can see into your neighbor’s yard, and omg, that’s Mrs. Hood’s body he’s putting into their fire pit!
the area 51 thing but someone makes an event called “Don’t Go To Work, They Can’t Fire All of Us” and then we trick everyone into a general strike by calling it a “meme”
Me: I’m here to collect my pre-demon.
Lady: Sir, at this animal shelter, we call them kittens.
Got kicked off from Instagram for eating my food before posting a pic of it.
My kids have absolutely forbidden me from getting on Twitter.
So here I am!
I know
8 was riding his bike and fell and scratched up his knee pretty good. he can still stand and move it but knowing him he will be unable to walk or do any daily chores for 7-10 business days.
My friend: My fridge broke down, all my ice cream is gonna melt!
Me:
Me: Step aside.
[last day of creative writing class]
“are u ready to name ur band?”
Dave Matthews: u bet i am
You’d be surprised how many times you can use the word succulent in a work email.
Family dinners are fun because we start out as a family of 6 & then after everyone gets in trouble for acting up it’s a dinner for two.
Me: Christmas is nothing but corporate greed!
Mom: Would you like some more gold leaf sugar sprinkled on your cocoa?
Me: Yes please.
My “Savings Account” is just several pairs of unwashed jeans on the floor that may or may not still have change in the pockets.
Technically, the people tied to the tracks are the ones having the trolley problem
I get a cool lever
If I really wanted to end my life I’d probably do it by wearing a Star Trek uniform to the Star Wars Force Awakens premier.
My kid once got out of bed and Irish step danced down the hall in her sleep. Which I guess was odd but tbh I was just relieved she wasn’t in my bed kicking me.
who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards
Oh, so it’s cute when my toddler says “all done” and hangs up mid call on the phone to my in-laws but when I do it I’m “out of line”.
ROBOT: You cannot defeat us
ENGLISH TEACHER: Why’s the ch pronounced differently in orchid than in orchard?
ROBOT: [twitch, spark]
Caterpillar: no legs wtf how do I get around?
God: *wearing bird mask* BOO
Caterpillar: o000ö
God: haha jk it’s just me
Caterpillar: oOOOö
God: SEE YOU’RE DOING IT
wife: Get your hand out of your pants
toddler: Sorry
son: Sorry
me: Sorry
I’m a dentist and I graduated with 68 other ones. I’ve met even more in 13 years as a dentist. None of us have been asked shit about our opinions on toothpastes.
Louis CK releasing a special when no one can leave the room feels pretty on brand TBH
I keep an extra stash of tampons in my purse to launch at blowhards who punctuate the end of their sentence with the word, “Period!”