The longer I stay home, the more homeless I look
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Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
ME: long time no see! I heard you’re a doctor
FRIEND: I am. what do you do now?
ME: [glances down at open twitter app] I’m a writer
If you saw me licking the plate after the charcuterie was finished, no you didn’t.
Help me practice my knife throwing skills.
You catch.
DMV Lady: Do you want to retake your photo? You look mad.
Me: I am mad.
DMV Lady: But you’ll look mad on here for 5 years.
Me: I will still be mad in 5 years.
To all the men who keep dming me “hello” – I don’t speak English. I thought that was painfully obvious from my tweets, but I’m writing another one just to let you know.
Me: *pooping with the door open*
Olive Garden Mgr: “I know what the slogan says ma’am, we aren’t THAT kind of family.”
Who cares if you break a damn mirror. If you think 7 years of bad luck is hell, try breaking a condom.
My toddler took a sip of my margarita and made an adorable pucker-face. She went back for a 2nd sip and giggled. After sips 3 & 4 she called her daycare friends to say she missed them. Things got ugly with sip 5 when she started blaming her stuffed animals for society’s problems.
I wonder if the guy I’m interviewing knows this isn’t for a cologne model position.
If you give your kid a roll of tape today then you should expect you’ll need to buy more tape tomorrow
Table for one, please.
Ma’am, your family is right behind you.
Please please please please please please please…
-me, flushing someone else’s toilet
just got divorced on zoom in a dunkin donuts, the way the lord intended
When I’m good I’m great. When I’m not good I’m the piano falling out of the window of people
Someone goes back in time to the 2009 VMAs, gives Taylor Swift a taser to use on Kanye.… the timeline is forever changed! World peace, etc.
Getting home and realizing my sister took all of the peanut clusters is the biggest Christmas double-cross there has ever been. I bet she got in her car, laughing, and just started driving for the coast
My boyfriend took me to dinner and insisted I order my food in a robot voice, so I took him to bed and insisted he make Chewbacca noises.
Son: What is wrong with those people?
Me: Stop staring. They’re indigenous to Wal-Mart. We are the outsiders here.
I had a coworker who had the annoying habit of constantly clearing his throat. Add corduroy pants and squeaky shoes and he was a one-man marching band.
Does a UFO remain an UFO once you identify it as a UFO?
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
They also CAN sing✌️
My nephew Lyle just explained to me the “F” in “F Bomb” stands for “friendship.”
F Bombs for everyone! 😃
“Why won’t you loan a neighbor a cup of sugar?”
[ sigh ] “You’re a pile of ants wearing a bathrobe.”
[ bathrobe sags dejectedly ]
On our weekly family Zoom, my stepmom always says how pretty I am.
Today I replied, “I’m more than a pretty face.”
STEPMOM: “Are you sure?”
ME: “I have an elbow. Look.”
SM: “That’s nothing to brag about.”
ME: “It bends and everything.”
SM: “I’ve seen better.”
From the looks of this gas station bathroom, I missed an alien autopsy by 10 minutes.
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
YOU’VE GOTTA BE SHITTING ME, CAROL.
*grabs face*
*whispers*
You’re goddamn right I have a few minutes to hear about your new pedometer.
[feeding baby Malaysian food]
“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises**spoon just disappears*