Don’t you dare flirt with me.
Yet.
Okay now.
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Me: I’ve spent a whole quarter of this year isolated inside of my house.
Friend: I know. Lockdown has been really tough.
Me: What lockdown?
Wife thinks I bought way too many presents. Hah! It’s just one jigsaw puzzle with the pieces wrapped individually
Next time, I will just serve my guests pretty envelopes with the stories I’ve learned searching for a new recipe.
You’re not respected until you’ve been led away from a buffet by police.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
I’m in a High Occupancy lane
Cop: Yes…wait IS THAT A JOINT?
Yeah I’m HIGH lol
Cop: My bad, free to go
The person opposite me has a donut. I do not have a donut. That should be my donut. This person is now my arch nemesis.
Husband: Well, for starters, she introduces me as her current husband.
Marriage counselor: …
Me: …
i love having one cat who is an incredibly beautiful tragic princèss and one cat who is just like WGGLLBBYLAAAHHH
Dilemma: Your daughter brings home a guy with an Insane Clown Posse t-shirt on but your garden is already completely full of corpses.
Saving my good tweets for marriage
I hope my husband never gets Alzheimer’s but if he does, I imagine my favorite part will be saying “I gave you one yesterday.”
Kids: “Mom watch this. Watch this. Mom. Mama. Mama watch this. You’re not looking. Mom look. Look at me. You’re not looking.”
Me: merging onto the highway
I planted a whole garden full of bird seed this year and not one bird came up. I quit.
🎶I’m going to wash that man right out of my hair🎶
*tiny little man falls out of my hair with a gentle thud*
Him: Is that a new shampoo?
You don’t need to have a falcon to wear a falconry glove. People will just assume the falcon is out.
Spell check changed “important” to “impotent” so basically I have a meeting in the morning that can’t get it up.
[doesn’t moisturize for three nights in a row]
Welp, I guess I’m ready for Halloween now.
Just finished reading the Declaration of Independence to my kids, and they went to live with their dad
me: iced latte please
barista: what type of milk?
me: spaghetti
My dad.
*watches TV*
GET AN ANONYMOUS ONLINE QUOTE NOW!
*logs on*
“You’re a giant idiot and your parents are very disappointed in you” – Anonymous
I’m sure Leonardo DiCaprio‘s girlfriend is a wonderful person but I saw a headline that said she “has a message for her haters” and all I could think was “is it ‘I really need my .5 lead mechanical pencil back before Bio’”
me: hello 911
911: look, we’ve already asked your neighbor to return your leaf blower ok
My kids are always accusing me of having a favorite child which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them
“I don’t know why I’m always depressed” I think to myself as I stare at the glowing portal in my hand that streams a constant feed of horror
I kept my married name. I don’t hate anyone enough to go to the DMV.
For fun, the next time you
have an attractive waitress-Order a “quickie”
then act surprised when she
tells you it’s pronounced “quiche”
me: I want to be inside you like one of those Russian dolls that keeps getting smaller and smaller
her: you’ve never sexted with a real person before, have you
“Name him Mufasa, it means “king” in Manazoto. And uh, we’ll call HIM Scar. Because his face.”
Simba’s grandparents were the real villains.