Have kids so you can regularly test the limits of your sanity by watching someone eat a starburst in 26 bites.
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I鈥檓 no relationship expert but if your partner suddenly starts keeping the bathroom mirrors clean, get your affairs in order
I need to stop by the Walmart pharmacy to get some antidepressants because of how much I just spent at Walmart.
Do ghosts call their girlfriends “boo”? Bet all that gets pretty confusing.
What part of this $7.50 Wal Mart T-shirt makes you think I’d like to see the wine list?
If reading bedtime stories to my son has taught me anything, it’s that mice lead much fuller, exciting lives than I do.
Me: *eating a handful of goldfish*
Everyone else in the pet store: *watches in horror*
[princess gets captured in a castle]
[princess breaths a sigh of relief cuz she knows 2 short Italian plumbers]
Cop: Can you describe the man who hit you with a baseball bat?
Me: So you want me a paint a “pitcher” lol
Cop: ok at least we know why he did it
it was the best of times, it was the cursed of times
You are so old, even your blood type was discontinued.
Sorry babe, I have to cancel our date tonight. I joined a 50鈥檚 gang and I need to go to snapping practice.
Hey guys. Stop touching your wife’s pregnant belly in pictures. We get it, you came in her.
Lounging on the couch, pants off while munching a Big Mac is a great way to spend Sunday, despite IKEA鈥檚 Security guard insisting otherwise.
A Spanish friend working in UK happily for years reply to taunts re being kicked out: “Well, I can choose 27 other countries; you can’t”
God said: ‘Let there be Satan, so people don’t blame everything
on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don’t blame everything on Satan”
Cashier: I love your lip gloss!
Me: Thanks, it’s food court teriyaki chicken glaze.
I turned my phone onto “Airplane Mode” and threw it into the air. Worst. Transformer. Ever.
If you know what “A/S/L?” means, I hope your back is okay. 馃槶
“i saw your ex” – a truly unnecessary piece of information
If you eat a whole taco before your family gets to the table they won鈥檛 know you started without them
God..how many exercise videos do you have to buy before you get some results
Years after finishing high school I now know the true importance of punctuation signs
They are for making cute smiley faces
(^_^)/
him: does this pillow feel lumpy
me: [sneaking a handful of shredded cheese out of the pillowcase] seems fine to me
regrets?
[thinks back to the time i drunkenly watched Spy Kids 3-D & it forever ruined my netflix recommendations]
yeah i’ve got regrets
I was raised by pirates. We suffered from scurvy. I finally ran away to join the citrus.
Wife: Why is there a charge for $3,000 to Men’s Warehouse?
Me: I have no idea. Don’t go outside tho
Her: let鈥檚 role play
Me: ok I鈥檒l pretend I鈥檓 a firefighter
Her: hot
Me: *narrows eyes*
Monica just destroyed the internet
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
Do as I scooby say, not as I scooby doo.
*me to my dog.