Have manufacturers of picket fences ever gone on strike? Because the irony would be awesome.
Take your time, I’ll wait.
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My anxiety started in 1984 the first time I heard the music speed up in Pac-Man when shit got real and I haven’t relaxed since.
Me: *watches six consecutive hours of SVU*
Also me (brushing teeth for two minutes twice a day): Thith ith bullthit.
football coach: i need you guys to make a play
(8 months later at opening night)
football coach: wait wtf is this
Annoys me when I’m typing my reply and someone starts typing like you see those 3 bubbles and I’m just like no excuse me wait your turn thanks
If you’re in an old house & the basement door opens for no reason, go into that basement.
Why did they call it long distance running and not fardio.
Me: I think it’s time to get rid of that beard.
Beard: Dude?! I’m like right here!
Me: Yeah, you becoming self-aware is part of the problem.
Waving my hand impatiently in front of the automatic door sensor so everyone knows I am too important to wait for electricity.
Itsy bitsy spider (drenched): sorry I’m late
Spider’s wife: what took so long?
Itsy bitsy spider: I got washed down the water spout
Spider’s wife: you won’t be climbing up that again
Itsy bitsy spider: yeah… for sure
I’m going to freeze some of my sperm so that if something goes wrong later in life, I can kill my nemesis with a disgusting icicle.
Growing up,
I knew my Mom meant business when she started yelling words I didn’t know existed.
Boy never ceases to amaze me
my wife says she’s never worked in tech support, but when something is broken she always has helpful tips like “is it on?” and I’m like ok geek squad
As a seasoned negotiator, I’ve created a complex list of demands that my children must complete before I’ll buy myself a foosball table. I mean buy them a foosball table
What do you call a person that is happy on a Monday?
Unemployed
neurosurgeon: *removes my brain to blow on it and put it back in*
Rocky is my favourite movie about beating meat
Don’t wake a sleeping baby, and don’t make eye contact with a playing toddler.
Someone just commented they wanted to be my husband and I blocked them..
I don’t need that kind of negative talk..
The Count of Monte Cristo remains popular because it speaks to that universal human desire to flex on everyone you went to school with
Kids: It’s the first day of spring break and it’s not fair that we’ve been bored all day.
Me, barley conscious: It is literally 10 o’clock in the morning.
ESPN just did a Top 5 Greatest Comebacks of All Time and there was some guy running with a ball but like literally no mention of Jesus
The computer keyboard was invented before the mouse. It was a precursor.
*tells five other people to remember their toothbrush for vacation.
*forgets her own toothbrush.
Baby on board is probably the worst idea for charcuterie out there
I got 66 problems and being upside down is 1
If I ever get a Roomba, I’m gonna be totally irresponsible and just throw crumbs on the floor for fun.
Let’s send Sarah out into a swamp in a dress.
– news stations
My daughter had two Barbies arguing and now one of them is getting a haircut, so I think we all know who won that argument.
This weekend I lost an hour to daylight saving time and another hour stuck behind a person at the ATM who was apparently transferring funds to a Swiss bank account, refinancing their mortgage, and making 12 withdraws from 12 different accounts.