have respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.
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Three seasons into Game of Thrones, and I still can’t figure out why all the characters are named after psychiatric meds.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
Before you spend $200 on birthday party entertainment for your child, I sprayed my son and his friends for 45 minutes with the hose. Rave reviews.
No, these are my formal Crocs. We’re at a wedding, Sharon.
“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean
Me: I bought an elephant.
Wife: how much did it cost?
Me: I don’t rem-
Elephant: $32,872.
Wife:
Me:
Elephant: I have an excellent memory.
Me: but he was on sale!
Wife: were you?
Elephant: no.
We’ve all got that one family member who’s an embarrassment and this restraining order suggests my family’s settled on me.
I hate it when I’m digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.
Whenever I tinker with the idea of a having a relationship, I go spend a night with my married friends.
Björk is my favourite singer-songwriter/IKEA side table.
Rule: If thou has a Macbook, thou shall always taketh photos of objects with the Macbook in the background.
5yo *oldest*: Dad, why do we have to eat our vegetables?
Me: You know what? Our first kid asked the same question
My kid drinks a teaspoon of medicine with the intensity of a sommelier at a wine tasting.
Dating is great to find the perfect partner for couples therapy
Them: you should buy crypto
Me:
Them: ok sell it now
Me:
Them: nvm buy it back
Me:
Them: OMG SELL IT
Me: [pulls AirPods out] what
waiter: can i show you to the table
me: sure
waiter: here he is
table: [unimpressed noises]
I follow mattress delivery trucks around all day, because I like the smell of freshly braked bed.
One good thing about astrology, I can tweet something mean about astrology and astrology Twitter is cool with it. Like I can say, “Cut it out, astrology, you’re embarrassing the planets,” and it gets retweeted 10,000 times, and astrology Twitter is just like: “Are you a Scorpio?”
My 3yo made up a song called My Mommy Makes Me Happy When She Gives Me Snacks then asked me for a snack. She’s really good at this.
relationship tips:
– communicate your feelings
– make her feel pretty
– be spontaneous
– oh god she wants you to kill her ex
– is she still in love with him?
– no she loves you she told you she loves you
– kill her ex
– what the hell she’s gone
– was sara even her real name?
I rescued a seagull, taught it karate and named it Steven, so what?
Working at a cheap mall store as a teen: “You may only carry a small clear bag that will be checked by security daily.”
Working at a bank: “Cool duffle bag!”
[son sees me sleeping outside]
son: did you call mom the n word again
me: but she IS a nagger
Satan: welcome to hell, the WiFi password is-
Me: wait you have WiFi?
Satan: of course.
Me: well that’s not so bad.
Satan: as I was saying the WiFi password is Pi.
[cannibal restaurant]
server: hi, who’ll you have?
cannibal: just bring me the Bill
[interview]
HIM: What are your strengths?
ME: Well, I can see dead people.
HIM: Wow, interesting. Any hobbies?
ME: Grave digging
Me: so this is a weird photo shoot lmao
The cop who’s processing me: would you just shut up already
The reason the “Cars” movies have gained so much popularity is becuase the cars speak to one another. You don’t get that with real life cars
What’s large, black and steals your credit cards?
Sony Playstation