Have single guys scared of the “Friend Zone” even heard of long-term relationships or marriage?
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Cherry seeds are just the pits.
Me: [going in for a hug]
Loudspeaker: SECURITY TO THE OCTOPUS TANK
I want the new mayor to do something about the size of the squirrels in this city, they’re too big and they’re only getting bigger.
Grass: [grows]
Me: well now, what do you think you’re doing bud? [lawnmower noises]
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
Pizza Hut: May I take your order?
Me: Can you make a large pizza vegetarian?
Pizza Hut: Yes, but don’t ever call me vegetarian again.
While in restaurants as a kid, my parents would pay by credit card in a machine that looked like it could take your finger off
Sometimes I see an account celebrating big milestone after only 6 months on Twitter then I notice all their tweets are stolen and I get pissed that none of them are mine. Rude.
My dad showed me how to change the oil in my car and I showed him you can move the hood up and down to make it look like the car is saying “nom nom nom I love oil delicious oil”
Is your wife single?
It snowed for christmas. That’s something that never happens in the south.
We are also without power.
Santa will be getting cookie dough.
Throwing a spear at your enemy is a bad gamble. If you miss you have no spear now and he’s just fine. He’s better than fine; now he has a spear.
Me: My son is pathologically literal.
“Perhaps he should see a child psychiatrist?”
Me: I think we’ll try an adult doctor first thanks.
This wouldn’t be taking so long if they used the metric system for counting.
“YOU’RE DEAD TO ME”
Me on my first day as a mortician
I love how Simba acts upset when Mufasa dies as if he didn’t just do a choreographed musical number called “I Just Can’t Wait To Be King”.
Fridge smart enough to tell me l left the door open but too lаzy to just close it for me. Worthless.
I call my job ‘Workle’ because it usually takes me 4 to 6 tries to get anything done.
Me: Do you do any Iron Maiden?
Carol singers: no
The person who named the Sea of Tranquility on the Moon had to be a realtor.
{first date}
Me: On my ACTUAL first date, Brian Beckwith caught a turtle for me and kissed me on the cheek
Date:…
Me: I’ve been chasing that high since kindergarten
Date: *leaves*
People pay for feet pics on the internet
Bigfoot: I’m listening
DEMON POSSESSING ME: Don’t try and fight. You can’t win.
ME: No problemo.
DEMON: But… I’m controlling your body.
ME: Awesome-possum, thank you so much. I’mma grab a quick snooze, and you just wake me when you need a break.
Following a series of poor personal decisions I now owe the ferret mafia six grand and my only way out is to be the driver for a meat heist planned by a squirrel dragged back in for one last job, assisted by a weasel nobody trusts. Not even the stoat bagman.
I want to make fun of kanye but I’m always losing my shit on the internet too.
It feels mighty hypocritical.
[job interview]
HR: *reading medical history* it says here you’re a former addict?
Me: *snorting lines off the desk* typo
the composer
Me: How was school?
5: It was good. I only needed a couple of reminders
Me: what did you need to be reminded about?
5:
Me:
5: You don’t need to worry about that
“I JUST WANT TO PUT A BABY IN YOU!”
-me, trying to put a crib together
Not really sure why I have a Google Home, it’s only inadvertently used by people on my TV.