Have the people who designed wine glasses ever washed dishes in their lives?
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me: *hanging back a bit while out with friends*
friends: that guy has followed us to 3 bars.
Whoever named frogs got it 100% right. Those things are frogs
The traffic must be horrendous in a red light district
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You pulled me over?
Cop:
Me: I just stopped here cuz I thought of a tweet.
I received many personality traits from my mom, but she got her short temper from me.
Rejected names for lumberjacks:
-Woodroberts
-Treedaves
-Logjeffs
-Forestbills
-Timberjims
The only difference between an outpatient mental health facility and a bar is the lighting.
Barista: Hangover?
Me: Motherhood.
It’s rude to say “don’t mention it” when someone thanks you for a favour, instead say “tell no one of this” in a low but urgent voice.
What
Me: ‘I just want to do something spontaneous.’
Combustion: ‘We’ll see.’
My daughter says people on Facebook are warning to not post about your hairdresser if they make a house call because they’ll lose their license. I imagine vigilante beauticians using the cover of night to sneak out and fight dead ends and gray roots using their capes as…capes.
Godspeed, John Glenn
ICEBERG: heard about ernie?
ICEBERG 2: yep…clobbered by a cruise ship
ICEBERG: gotta be careful—damn things are 86% hidden above the surface
You can’t outrun your problems…
me: I’ll have the prime rib
waiter: excellent choice sir
me:
waiter: do we really have to do this yet again sir
me: *after sliding to the other side of the table and putting on a blonde wig* oooooh it all looks so good what do you recommend
[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.
Whenever I worry if I’m being a good mom or not I remind myself that someone out there named their kid Abcde so the bar is like, really low
ME: don’t involve me in your bullshit
SON: it’s called homework
[torturing terrorist]
[plays EDM]
[beat rises]
[beat keeps rising]
[beat rises endlessly]
Terrorist: MAKE IT DROP I’LL TELL U ANYTHING
Some of these captcha tests are hard sha. Maybe I’m a robot?
hate when people say “if u think this is better than sex, u haven’t had good sex!”, like no, maybe you’ve just never had good lasagna, Carol
Just how popey was the pope today?
You read for a part, you feel good about it, you feel confident, then they cast Ben Affleck.
I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.
Alien: why should I not blow up this planet?
Human: we are an advanced species
A: how do you travel?
H: we light old dinosaurs on fire
8: mommy I want to study pastrami
Me: why pastrami specifically?
8: I’m just super interested in the stars
Me: astronomy you mean astronomy
8: pretty sure it’s pastrami
Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.
doctor: do you use recreational drugs?
me: no
doctor: you don’t have to lie to me
me: yeah i know, but i like to
I put a potato in the microwave and pushed the pizza button. But when the little bell rang, it was still a potato.