@radstunts: have u ever just taken your goth girlfriend out on a date but it gets dark out and you lose her in the parking lot
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@TravLeBlanc: Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?
@SteveSuckington: How dare you call me naive! I'd sue you for slander if I hadn't sent all my money to that Nigerian prince.
@TheBoydP: Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words "gruesome discovery" coming from your TV on the morning news.
@JoParkerBear: Friend: [rubs my shoulder] Aw, honey, your life isn't over. It's just beginning! Me: *sobs even harder