I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
You Might Also Like
good work, everybody
she’s going to make a soup or a hearthy stew perhaps
My mom (seriously) asked if my friend’s brother “still had down syndrome.” No mother, he walked it off.
My toddler is crying because she wanted 2 strawberries but I only gave her 2
my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it’s cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot
If our bodies are the result of “intelligent design,” explain sneezes.
I’ll wait.
OMG! It’s colder than a pimps heart out here!
“I wonder if there’s a word for a person who inspires you,” I mused.
Apples are actually bad for your health! Scientists have discovered that everyone who ate an Apple during the 15th Century is now dead.
If hockey comes back this season we should be allowed to appoint one single fan to watch the games who’s only job is to shout “shoot!” on the power-play and occasionally bang on the glass.
Me: She loves me, she loves me not, she loves me, she loves me not, she lov-
Wife: CAN YOU JUST PEEL THE SHRIMP PLEASE
My brother says that after you reach a certain age, you become more concerned about the hereafter.
As in:
I cam into this room. what did I come here after?
If you know shes had a bad day just ask her how she is doing. Then when shes talking you can think of a good tweet that makes fun of her day
I was really tired today and then I ate something healthy and soon after had energy. Why aren’t more people talking about this?? Just one more thing They don’t want us to know I guess
If Dracula were on Grindr, he would be looking for a guy with a blood sausage.
*lies down on waxing table
Aesthetician(on phone): Cancel all my appts, check the moon phase and bring me a gun loaded with silver bullets.
I have to stop paying attention when I get too close to any round number of followers, because then I notice way too easily when I lose one, and it’s like “oh no, my hot take on pencil skirts deeply alienated someone who now despises me, I must send a cookie basket”
I feel melancoll, meloncholl, melancholl, meloncholy, you know what, I’m good.
ROOF GUY: That’ll be $15,000
ME: I thought you said it was on the house
Life of an Editor:
I just sat here for a good minute or so going, “Goatfully? That can’t be it. What’s the word I’m looking for? STOP saying ‘goatfully,’ brain!”
It was “sheepishly,” folks.
If I could go back in time, I’d probably stop Bruce Willis from saving us from that asteroid.
The “oops, wrong hole” excuse doesn’t work when she catches you with her best friend.
#parenting
Who called it a Spanish teacher instead of an instruction Manuel?
Me: I’ve finally finished that jigsaw puzzle!
Her: YOU DRUNK! It took you 6 months!
Me: On the box it said 2 to 4 years!
The same people that made fun of me for my calculator watch in high school are now wearing Apple watches.
He leans in, looks into my eyes, and lowers the lights. I go in for the kiss.
And now I’m being escorted out of the opticians.
The way my kids use sunscreen they’ll never get a sunburn on their bathroom floor
A rap song where I’m just telling my dog about my day & I keep rhyming with “treats” so he stays interested.
A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.