My kid found a Disney movie marathon on tv and I found Captain Morgan in the freezer. Life is about balance.
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HIM: I like your shirt!
ME: [wondering why he excluded every other thing I’m wearing and also me] thanks
The sequel to The Sound of Music starts with Maria and Capt. Von Trapp, cold and hungry, huddled together in the middle of the Alps making a list of the order in which to eat the children.
My son on the morning of his prom: “Well, it just occurred to me that I paid $130 to go to my school at night.”
You ever eat fish and chips at the aquarium and get the feeling you’re being watched?
When I track packages I ordered, I don’t use the number. I use footprints, broken leaves, and the smell of blood.
Someone stole my car’s steering wheel.
I just can’t handle it anymore.
MOM [introducing us by our musically themed names]: this is our daughter Lyric, this is our other daughter Melody and this is our son *points at me* Sad Trombone
Them: Just act casual
Me:
You wake in a strange cellar, chained to a boiler. You slowly recognize the man standing over you as an old co-worker. He puts his cheek against yours & whispers:
“Remember in 2003 when you said Aerosmith did Come Together better than the Beatles?”
Me: Spends a trillion dollars on 100 activities during vacation.
“What was your favorite part of the trip?”
My toddler: “The hotel elevator!”
#RubbishJokes
My girlfriend told my that she wanted peace and quiet whilst cooking.So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.
Turns out that the half-acre I bought is in an active tectonic zone. I’m on shaky ground here folks. I have a lot on my plate and it’s all my fault.
Thank you automatic ice dispenser.
I was hoping to get either 2 or 675 ice cubes.
Our friends have canceled our dinner plans 3 nights in a row …. I’m starting to think they really don’t like dinner.
Virgo: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.
my only crime was caring too much. caring too much about fire
My almost 3yo drew me a picture and when he gave it to me, I must not have reacted fast enough because he said, “say ‘awwww’ mama.”
I don’t like swiss cheese because a block is like half air and I prefer cheese to oxygen
[Me in hospital bed]
My wife: How is he?
Dr: He was dead for 15m
Wife remembering “Til death do us part” in our wedding vows:*pumps fist
GOD: YOU ARE BANISHED FOR EATING THE FORBIDDEN FRUIT
Adam: sorry, Eve told me to!
Eve: i didn’t say “apple” i asked you to eat my a–
GOD: THAT ALSO IS FORBIDDEN
“sorry sorry sorry reallysorry reallysorry sorry” – remorse code
What exactly do you have to plant to grow a seedless watermelon? Just water?
4: Water!
Me: Ask me nicely
4: Actually, I’ll get it myself
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
Doctor: Absolutely DO NOT take this medication with grapefruit juice.
Me: How about bourbon?
Doctor: Grapefruit juice will be fine
Never date a commercial actor cause after you guys break up and you just wanna kick back and watch the tube you have to keep seeing them driving a Kia Sorrento or being really excited about dish soap
I’m looking for a school picture package that’s more than 4 wallets and less than 54 wallets & a wall mural.
After coronavirus is officially renamed, scientists admit they shouldn’t have put it to a public vote but will nonetheless continue to fight the spread of Diseasy McDiseaseface.
At noon, we ride.*
*start the dishwasher and sort the laundry.