“Have u seen my cat?”
“I saw a cat down the road?”
“Really? [shows me a picture] was it this cat?”
“No, the one I saw was dead.”
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Caught my son running a Google search for “adult entertainment”. I was mortified. We are strictly a Bing family.
In my pocket is a computer far more powerful than the one that took Apollo11 to the Moon. I use it to photograph food & fling birds at pigs.
How many times does it have to be aliens before Scully believes? How many times does it have to be a guy in a mask before Shaggy doesn’t?
My husband ruins every game show by figuring out how much tax the winner will have to pay.
[yelling over club music] has anyone seen my tamagotchi
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
My 6 year old just got back from visiting our elderly neighbor and said, “I told her we’d bring her some fresh baked cookies when they’re ready.” I informed her that we weren’t baking any cookies today and she said, “Oh, I guess we kinda have to now, don’t we?” Diabolical.
I can’t wait for my grandma to ask me repeatedly why I don’t have a boyfriend “because I’m such a pretty girl”.
I’m a psycho, grandma.
99 times out of ten, I’m making shit up.
Don’t tell me you’re into the Halloween spirit unless you go into a haunted house willing to die.
Cops have a new radar that lets them see through walls into our homes but imagine if this technology fell into the wrong hands! Oh wait…
22 year old me after a night of drinking: “I hope I didn’t do anything stupid.”
29 year old me: “I hope I didn’t agree to go on a hike.”
If your girl takes care of animals at the zoo treat her right cause she’s a keeper.
My favorite winter activity is clinging to the wall while ice skating
[in car on a road trip]
Me (checks clock): 5:07
*reads for a bit*
*scrolls emails*
*searches for radio station*
*eats a snack*
*knits a sweater*Me (checks clock): 5:08
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
You know you have something special w someone when u start finishing their sentences. But enough about me & my local Subway sandwich artist
The problem with thieves is that they take things literally.
Kid packed for a 3 day trip to his grandparents with 1 t-shirt, 1 pair of underwear, and 7 pairs of socks. I have a few questions
[Bleeding out from a polar bear attack]
Me: *Choking on my own blood* I loved you in those Coke commercials.
No matter which door you go in at the Home Depot, you’ll always exit the farthest one from your car.
I was flattered when my crush added her stick figure to my mini van. I can’t wait to hear what my wife thinks…
I was bitten by a mosquito, then saw it land and get stuck in sap… so I guess what I’m saying is, there are going to be some disheartened geneticists when they accidentally clone me instead of a dinosaur
My neighbours were furious last time I held a yard sale.
I sold their house.
Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.
*puts on ice skates*
so.. what am I supposed to do with these again?
*walks over a pizza to slice it*
there has to be a better way
Oh really, we have nothing in common? Then how do you explain neither of us being able to stand me
Weird…my son has been having nightmares about a clown hiding in his closet ever since I dressed like a clown and hid in his closet.
My daddy always said, life is like a tray of nachos, a big hot mess held together by cheese
Do people lifting with their knees and backs know about using their hands?