Have you decided on dinner?
“Yes, I’ll have the chicken, grilled.”
Very good.
*hears waiter yelling at chicken*
WHERE WERE YOU LAST TUESDAY
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It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.
I 100% believe Aliens live in the Bermuda Triangle. It’s like fishing for them.
Beware of girls like Princess Peach. She seems cool at first but she ends up in some other dude’s castle far too often to be a coincidence.
Establish dominance by signing every office card with Happy Birthday, regardless of the topic.
Until I became a parent I had never heard a human cry because they bumped their head on the roof of a blanket fort
she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]
It has been 3 years since Monday.
wife: what time is it
me, trying to set the world record for longest anyone has gone without bending their elbows: you know I can’t see my watch
It’s like Santa didn’t even care that Rudolph had a coke problem?
“I think this cereal has gone bad.” *me drunk, eating Meow Mix*
Why does lipgloss last 43 minutes on my lips but 17 years on my coffee mug?
Me: I choose Truth!
Him: What is the most time wasting app on your phone?
Me: …I choose Dare!
Every time someone in a movie is being stalked, it’s like they can’t even hear the suspenseful music.
Things I have learned by sliding across the hood of my car:
Either I weigh more than Bo Duke, or they just don’t make em like they used to.
Him: Hey girl, what that mouth do?
Me: Mostly complain. Sometimes binge eat. I also get these weird sores that – wait, where are you going?
Just saved a guy from drowning by
throwing him a CVS receipt as a lifeline.He also gets 25% off his next rescue.
I spray perfume samples in the gym bathroom like I’m a priest doing an exorcism with holy water
You can now buy candy unwrapped and avoid any effort at all to eat it. USA! USA!
It was obvious from the camera angle it was AMC killing it’s viewers. #TWDfinale
THIS SHIT HAS ME DEAD 😭
“do you have any pets”
[remembers girls like sensitive guys] a cat
“what’s his name”
[remembers girls also like tough guys] missile launcher
You don’t have a Twitter account. Twitter has a You account.
“Nothing wins you an election better than noise pollution.” – Political rallies.
ME: help theres a burglar in my home
911: a what?
ME: a burglar
911: a burglar?
ME: yes burglar
911: who says burglar? lmao
BURGLAR: lol “oH No a bUrGLaR”
911: haha thats exactly what he sounds like
How is the witch who imprisoned children that were eating her house the bad guy of the story?
Surprise your family by quitting your job and becoming a coffee table.
[god creating sharks]
angel: what is this?
god: *wearing ‘live every week like it’s shark week’ shirt* I just want this to make sense
Sean’s gf: I feel seen
Sean: for the last time, stop pronouncing it like that
Depends on what the free sample is. Is it brisket?
I’m gonna date the first guy to come out of this “Free STD Screenings!” van.
#goodplan