Have you decided on dinner?
“Yes, I’ll have the chicken, grilled.”
Very good.
*hears waiter yelling at chicken*
WHERE WERE YOU LAST TUESDAY
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Ways to make your woman happy.
1. Cook for her.
2. Surprise her with hugs & kisses.
3. Hide a lion in her apartment then rescue her.
When there’s a police car behind you with their lights flashing…
It means speed up, right?
The guy I use for odd jobs around the house is amazing; in the last month alone he’s repaired a leaky roof, fixed a broken gate, retiled the bathroom and according to the wife it was him that somehow reversed my vasectomy, too!
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why didn’t you text me? I’ll never call you back. Like, ever. You’d have better luck with a telegram.
I will marry a woman if she knows homer is Not a Simpson and Plato is Not clay
My 10 yr old googled how many states are in Oregon so I guess geography skills are like genetic or whatever
The Rock is always beating people up in movies & yet no one has thought to throw a ream of paper at him
I’m really bad at measuring the correct amount of pasta when cooking, so if you and 79 of your friends want spaghetti tonight…I got extra.
grocery cart: [stuck to several other grocery carts] please. my family. can they come too?
me: no. one only.
My dad is at it again
What am I supposed to do with all this laundry? And before you answer, I already tried staring out the window and crying for 9 hours.
Welcome to Twitter 2 point Uh oh.
Is it still murder if they said, “Some other time,” but I thought they said smother time?
A poster with a mugshot saying “Have you seen this man”
So I rang up and said No.
You have to do your bit for society .
The biggest lie I learned in school was that women reach their sexual peak at 40. All 40yo me wants is to scroll my phone and eat my bowl of mashed potatoes
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
NASA: How’s it looking up there, guys?
ASTRONAUT: I’ve never seen anything so beautiful.
FROG: [lost in his spacesuit] I’m struggling tbh.
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do u have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“Uh no.”
Guys, if a girl invites you upstairs for “coffee,” first make sure she has coffee, you don’t want to get up there and there’s no coffee.
Googled my symptoms and it turns out it’s just 2022.
eating mac and cheese in 64 bites is called mine kraft
Someone forgot to pay the earths yearly subscription fee for “being ok” after the free trial ended.
Ughhhh my neck is killing me ..
*how I slept
Her: I want you to leave me breathless
Me: *hides her inhaler
Me: A lady never reveals her age.
Dr: For the final time, Ursula, I AM YOUR DOCTOR!
Me: FINE! *sigh* 37
Dr: thank you
Me: ish
Laziness is the art to rest before one gets tired.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes
#Wednesday
My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.
And for my next trick, I’m going to make this first date the last date.
I went on a date last night!
It went really well…up until the moment the couple realized I was following them & promptly called the cops.
Priest: Do you take this woman to be your wife?
Me: “I do”
Priest: Ok can you say it again without using finger quotes while you do it