Monday, why can’t you be more like Tuesday and have tacos
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I have a Polish friend who is a roadie for a band.
I have a Czech one too. A Czech one too. Czech one too.
So the waiter said “The plate is hot” and I said “I’ll be the judge of that, haha.” Anyhoo, I met a lot of nice people at the burn center.
Guys, please recycle. We wanna leave a better world for Betty White when we’re gone.
her: wanna come over
me: can’t i’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
In grocery store & guy grabs my hand,starts to walk.I go with him, till he turns & realizes I’m not his wife.We broke it off…Single again
[history times]
THE EARL OF SANDWICH: By placing the meat between two pieces of bread, one keeps one’s hands neat for playing cardsHIS COUSIN, THE DUKE OF HAT-WITH-TWO-CUPHOLDERS-AND-CRAZY-STRAWS: I also have an invention
sex is great & all.. but have you ever successfully poured liquid from one cup into another WITHOUT spilling it?
Ending all emails in 2022 with BING BONG!
Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.
If someone offered to give me a million dollars to name the two teams playing sportsball today, I’d make exactly no dollars.
I convinced my daughter (5) that the Roomba is her pet robot, so now she cleans him and feeds him. This is my greatest accomplishment as a parent. It can only go down from here.
“I am not creepy” I yelled as I rollerbladed past your house.
Calm down check engine light, if I can run on broken parts, so can you
Judge: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
Defendant: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
J: Stop that.
D: Stop that.– repeat offenders
Water balloon fight, but the balloons are filled with mayo.
My 4 yr old came in my room last night at 3am. I asked him what was wrong and he said “how many eyebrows do I have?”
the only way the climate is going to change is if it first admits it has a problem, there’s really nothing we can do
Become a parent to discover how angrily you can serve someone crackers.
Being a grandpa must be tough, some baby mispronounces a word and suddenly your name is “Peepo” for the last 30 years of your life
Can’t believe how divided we’ve become over an election. It’s not like it’s the color of a dress or something.
High school prepares you for real life! For example, show choir taught me how to put on eyeliner and lip liner in a car on the freeway
Everyone is all “love is patient” during the wedding but when there’s a long line for the open bar, not so much.
I just tried to make coffee with my air fryer, so TGIF
Shampoo is much more marketable than it’s original name, Shamshit.
I’ve been dieting for a little over a week and I already gained three pounds.
Marriage counsellor: What’s the problem?
Wife: He is so literal. It drives me mad.
MC: And how do you feel, Stephen?
Me: With my hands.
About to go for a run, because shoplifting
Science tip: you can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.
Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business
[in ambulance after being shot]
can we [coughs blood] stop at Taco Bell?
“Don’t be stupid! [turns around while driving] of course we can”