Have you ever considered shaving that beard and gluing it to your bald spot?
…
Oh! You meant a question about the job position!
You Might Also Like
“Wife stabs husband with squirrel” was on the news.. Does anyone know how to sharpen a Squirrel?
Before you contemplate starting an argument with me just know I’ll be removing my pants and underwear for maximum effect.
Diarrhea awareness week starts today. Runs through Sunday.
Me: What’s the suite number on that address?
8: It just says “Hashtag 301.”
Me: Before hashtags were born, those were called number signs.
Go ahead and call HR, I don’t even work here.
#SexEdWontTeachYou how to deal with idiots…
I asked my dad if there were any advantages to being in your eighties. He said, “Well, no one tries to sell me extended warranties anymore.”
Sometimes I look at my toast and wonder if Jesus is manifesting, or my toaster is channeling Charles Manson.
Cop1: Has becoming a father affected your work
Cop2: Not a bit
Cop1: Ok cover me, I’m going in
Cop2: HI GOING IN I’M DAD
[both get shot]
Acquaintances: “So what have you been up to?”
What I hear: “Please explain yourself, we’re trying to figure you out.”
When you’ve brought up your child to be kind and never take sides.
Husband: Who’s fatter – mummy or daddy?
Miss 8: You both are.
Sometimes I don’t delete negative instagram comments. I wait until they tally up some likes. Then I go see who liked the negative comment and block them. That way the person who left the negative comment did a service for me. They worked for me for free.
The best revenge is living well. Starting after you murder the person who wronged you.
Disney can’t even make a dragon without it looking exactly like Elsa
The prince in Cinderella wasted 0 time suggesting he inspect the feet of every woman in his kingdom
Who knew opening this jar marked DANGER: Baby Spiders DO NOT OPEN would turn into such a can of worms
When you encounter others on a trail, offer a friendly “hello” or a nod. This helps create a friendly atmosphere. If you approach a trail user from behind, announce yourself in a friendly, calm tone. Yelling “that chipmunk stole my car keys, run for your lives” is not helpful.
Why is tater the only food in tot form? We can do better. We deserve better. We demand better.
[pushes panic button in the middle of MRI]
Tech: Are you okay? Do you have any questions?
Me: Yeah. Who sang the song that was just playing?
You think you’ve got problems? This is what I’m having for dinner
9: Mom, why are all those girls standing on their tiptoes?
Me: Because they’re ballet dancers
9: Why didn’t they just get taller girls?
This man told me he was going to convince me to date him bc he is AmeriCAN not American’t and I’m officially applying to move to Mars now
[when we’re a quarter of the way there]
Bon Jovi: OOOOOOOOOH WE-
Me: not yet Bon Jovi
me: how can Americans be so arrogant?
also me: *is mad when United States is listed alphabetically instead of at the top of a list*
If you want to know how I rate in our household, my wife has one term of endearment for me and 74 for our dog.
I’ve started giving camouflage sweatshirts as parting gifts when I break up with people. “I don’t want to see you anymore,” I whisper.
WIFE: What the…?
ME: I’m teaching him to play piano.
W: You idiot!
M *covering chicken’s ears*: Not in front of Johann Sebastian Bock-Bock
Forgot the word for flamingo earlier so I called it a karate turkey.
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*