Have you ever considered shaving that beard and gluing it to your bald spot?
…
Oh! You meant a question about the job position!
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Watching a group of 11 children try to work as a group to solve a puzzle really helps you understand why international diplomacy is so flawed.
Parenting is hard, which is why no one is gonna judge you for what you’ve got in that Yeti mug at the soccer game.
Wedding DJ took it down a notch and was like, “Y’all, throw your hand up if you found that special someone. Now put your hand up if you found an ancient tomb. Keep your hand up if it feels like the ancient tomb found you.”
But I really needed water water water
If you want to know how old my daughter is it’s “won’t talk on the phone if I’m in the room” years old
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender says why the long face and he says it’s so when I’m eating prairie grasses I can see predators
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.HI I’M A NERVOUS POOPER.
… Nailed it!
the battle rages on
Staying in all day, then being told by the delivery company that you were, in fact, not at home after all
If I learned anything in college, it’s that pepper spray only stings for a couple hours.
So we were deep in conversation about the state of political affairs, when the dog mentioned I might have taken too much cough syrup. Touché
Just because I’m gay, doesn’t mean I don’t know how to please a woman.
You buy them a dress with pockets.
landlords thinking they deserve a tip is actually crazy
INTERVIEWER: *putting down phone* Your Twitter account says you’ve had 148 jobs.
ME: we need to focus. we’re so close to getting fired.
MY BRAIN:
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.
She tells me to live in the present then gets upset when I don’t remember our anniversary, pick a lane.
[trying to ride a horse]
ME: oh shit how do i slow down?!
GUY OUTSIDE THE SUPERMARKET: this is for children
TEACHER: That’s the third time this week – please explain your tardiness
ME: Well, it basically means that I’ve been late
To everyone who mocked me for keeping my old maternity pants for so long … who’s laughing now
do people who back up into parking spots also back up into elevators
bank robber: OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
robber: damn it Dave, not you, go fetch the money
Nobody ever appreciates all the work I put into perfecting my karate moves. It’s always “you can’t do crane kicks here” and “ma’am please leave the zoo immediately”.
God: you’re a coyote.
Coyote: ok! what street did you grow up on?
God: Heavenly Way.
Coyote: what about your first pets name?
God: Sprinkles : )
Coyote: awww last four of your social?
God: 0001, why?
Coyote: no reason.
[later]
Coyote: [to Acme] I wanna buy rocket skates.
I clicked on one of those DM messages
And now it burns when I tweet
Drink this wine, it’s the blood of Christ.Eat this bread, it’s the body of Christ.Jesus pulls out hotdog, “Now hear me out”
When your chip basket is empty and your server’s busy.
If my coworker doesn’t stop asking questions on this Zoom meeting I will drive across town and slap his face on the call.
If someone says they’d “Like a word with you,” I can guarantee it’s way more than one word and you’re not going to like any of them.
bout dat hot dog summer