Gross if literal…Liverpool
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how does everyone know when fruits are in season.. when did u learn that. did i miss fruit season day in algebra. did u swallow a farmers almanac. why are peaches only in season for 8 hours a year
me: do you guys still give lollipops after sticking in the needle?
drug dealer: what?
Streaming Service: We think this wholesome comedy would be great!
Me: hmmm
Streaming: How about thoughtful calm drama parallel of life
Me: 🤔
Streaming: ok…how about a depressing cult docu-series that will fill you with a rage that will not die
Me: ya ya that’s the one
My wife tricked me into looking at her to-do list by leaving it on the kitchen counter inside a Victoria’s Secret bag.
I was once put in the ‘friend zone,” but with perseverance that all changed. I’m now in the ‘must stay 200 yards away at all times zone.’
Cake by the ocean?
*scoffs*
Cake is a terrible beach snack
Wife and daughter are baking which means the air is filled with people arguing about baking soda.
coach: what are you doing???
me: you said do 50 singles
coach: singles means jump rope, not 50 tacos
me, mouth full of tacos: wull ith’s too late now brad!
Still can’t quite believe the World Health Organisation framed Roger Rabbit
The first rule of Swim Club is don’t talk about Swim Club for at least 30 minutes after eating.
I laughed at Yoda for hiding in a swamp
Then again, he’s the only Jedi to ever die from old age
Maybe he knew what he was doing after all.
My kitchen after I cut an everything bagel in half
I hate it when my husband starts tossing around unnecessary words like “budget” & “shopaholic.”
When you work at McDonald’s they put Mc in front of your name. Unless you’re called Beth. Then you’re known as “the Scottish play”
Why learn big words when you can fabricaciously inventify them?
mosquitos out here really acting like it’s ok to go person to person without using a rubber
jobs applications be like “submit your resume”….wtf?? how’s that creepy baby from twilight gonna help me get this job
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [decides to vacuum house]
Here’s another great thing about hot tubs [pulls out a bowl of fully cooked ramen from under the water]
I’ve decided to donate my brain to science.
[years later, my brain is used to prop open the Science door]
[plane]
“Is there a doctor on board?”
Im a doctor
“Okay quick the passenger is having a heart att-
Of fine arts
“What?”
Doctor of Fine Arts
Me, performing surgery:[stops midway and sticks both of my hands out to see which one is L-shaped for “left” ]
Reasons I visit a TL:
1. You’re a genius
2. You’re far from a genius
3. I like you
4. I know you hate me and want you to know I know
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything
Doctor: I have your test results
Me: did I pass hahaha
Doctor: hahaha you will soon
Me: haha what
[poker night with the boys]
wife: *on the phone*: I’ll be home soon, need anything?
m: yes please, chips and beer
w: ok. winning?
m: all pants are off
w: you meant bets, right?
m *neatly folding my jeans*: I know what I meant
“don’t invite a vampire into your home” buddy i don’t invite anyone into my home.
Me: Do you want McD or KFC for dinner?
Hubs: Can’t you make something? Any ideas?
Me: Divorce
Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She’s Lucy. I’m the football.
ME: For my last wish, I want an infinite number of cooked turkeys.
GENIE: Hmmm. *checks Genie handbook* I’ll allow it.
ME: *begins removing all the wishbones*
GENIE: DAMMIT