Me: are you doodling?
My kid:
My kid: idk I just saw you coming in and tried to look busy
You Might Also Like
god I wish I was the person I believed I could be when I bought all this produce
COP: I need to search your car.
ME: Sure, google whatever you want officer.
Mark Zuckerberg looks like he is secretly struggling to refrain from licking his own eyeball with his tongue.
TurboTax: Do you have any dependents?
Me: Just one.
TurboTax: Dependent’s last name?
Me: B-E-Z-O-S
I can always tell how stressful my day was by how far apart I’ve kicked my heels when I got home. Today one heel lies in the corner of the living room while I believe the other one is currently orbiting Mars.
“Guests, like fish, begin to smell after three days.”
That’s why I keep everyone who comes to visit in the freezer.
We’re just never going to talk about the fact Mufasa and Scar are brothers but have entirely different accents?
you gotta kiss a lot of frogs before you find one that’s a good kisser
kids have such bloody amazing imaginations, and yet when it comes to naming things they’re like this is elfie, my elf
That time Alicia messaged me
A remake of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, but it’s targeted towards adults and takes place in a cheese factory
Why do birds suddenly appear/every time you are near/just like me they long to be/eating your sandwich
Meghan Markle: breathes
Press: Meghan Markle wages war on global oxygen supply by hoarding depleting resources within her lungs.
If I was on trial and the prosecutor was like, “that man is the murderer!” and pointed at me so the jury all turned their attention toward me, I’d have a hard time not waving at them.
I’m giving you my two weeks’ notice.
Husband: …
I thought $3 eggs 🥚 were a lot
Until a saw a small bag of pistachios at the Airport going for $18
BOSS: it’s national replace H’s with F’s day
ME: really?
BOSS: yep, you’re hired!
ME: hahaha-wait
BOSS: get out
ME: what the huck?
Blew out my flip flop…
*pronounces lingerie as ling – gary*
Nothing makes me feel as dumb as choking on water. Where is it even going? I have one throat and we do this literally 100 times a day. Just go straight down, bro.
they should hide prizes in more boxes than just cereal, I’d love to reach into my laundry detergent and find a colour changing spoon
Hey, we never talked in high school!
Let’s be Facebook friends so we can once again never talk!
JUST LIKE OLD TIMES!
Good news, you survived the horrific car crash. Sadly we couldn’t find the other guy’s arms but we managed to reattach all four of yours
OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?
ME: You don’t *have* to talk during sex
i wanna be one of those basic girls that’s really good at making shark coochie boards or whatever. you know, these.
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a librarian.
Me: *doesn’t talk again all night*
who called it a palindrome and not a palindnilap
Wife: You have no friends
Me: Of course I do
Wife: Family, Neighbors, Coworkers and those Twitter people don’t count.
Me: 🤔
Somebody give me a house for my birthday so I can live in the present.
I’m running on 3 hours of poor sleep, this has to be how people end up at the drive-thru wedding chapels.