My kid went to bed before 10pm tonight so I could go to bed early too and clearly something is about to cost me a lot of money.
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PILOT: sorry for the delay, everyone. we’ll make up some time in the air
[1 hr later]
PILOT: it is now 67:91 o’clock guys
[hangs a sixth set of wind chimes along the property line]
That’s for blasting country music at your backyard party last weekend, Rick.
Told my 4 yo that his hamster died and that was in heaven with God. 4yo: Why would God want a dead hamster?
A spider crawled out from under my toaster oven rolling a blueberry. He can have this house. He’s earned it
Don’t tell me how to lift my baby
Daughter: Do you think Freddie Mercury and Edgar Allen Poe would get along?
Me: Huh?
Daughter: Cuz he’s just a Poe boy from a Poe family.
idk who needs to hear this but if you ever need to move a lamb over a wall, here u go
My train of thought is actually just a drunken wedding conga line.
me: ok, we’re all tired, let’s go to bed
5yo: what did you do to be tired?
me: *eye twitches*
If you make fun of a guy named Terry and he shoots you dead, you have died of dissin’ Terry…
… don’t get up. I’ll show myself out.
You ever think about how there are people who can identify cars? Like instead of “brown truck” or “grey sedan” everywhere they go they’re all “that Mazda Myopia is turning left beside the 2017 Chevy Stigmata”. That’s so wild. It must be like seeing those colors only shrimp see.
My favorite child is the one who can always find the remote.
It’s always the Great Wall of China, but I feel bad for all the other walls in China. They’re like
“Hey i’m a pretty good wall too.”
Saw pine nuts at the store. I thought about getting some so I could make pesto. But I don’t believe that lie about myself
[inside fighter jet]
I hate this cd
“change it”
how?
“press eject”
ok
[nothing funny or unexpected happens because they are trained pilots]
how much does a mortician urn in a year
The internet was a mistake. Civilization was a mistake. Evolving was a mistake. We could be sitting in trees eating delicious bananas right now, but instead we’re here getting Very Angry Online.
Poor superman.he can’t go commando without the whole world noticing
One tricky thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
vegan witches, happy halloween!
In todays addition of what will we find when we take off our bra…two legos AND a winning lotto ticket! Just kidding that would be so awesome but it was just two legos.
me: if dracula bit jesus would he get drunk
priest: i’m going to have to check with the vatican and get back to you
Therapist: today we’re going to do an exercise
Me [shifts nervously in seat]: oh, I-uh
Therapist: calm down, fatty. Not actual exercise
“Can I go play w/ my Twitter friends?”
Wife: “Are the kids in bed & the dishwasher emptied?”
“…Yes”
*wife opens cabinet, kids fall out*
Afraid of sharks? Simply wear a string bikini in the ocean – you’ll be so busy trying to keep it on that you’ll forget that you’re swimming amongst gigantic murdering fishies
A guy just walked past with fries and said “fries?” and I was like “cool thanks!” and took three and then he was like “no, I work here, did you order the fries?”. I did not order the fries.
You’re only as smart as the dumbest thing you’ve ever said on the Internet.
Wife: could you just run to the-
Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT
A Short Story.
I’m getting to the age where I have to drink milk to strengthen my bones or I could die if someone shoots me in the face.