@RBColl: Have you ever looked at someone's phone's selfie wallpaper and look at the owner and look again at their selfie and back again to the owner?
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@KeetPotato: elephants are scared of mice they're like 100x their size, stupid massive wimps [a wasp flies in my car and i completely drive off a bridge]
@Chelsea_Elle: Lost my car keys so I'm forcing the guy at Home Depot to make me new ones based on what I remember about them.
@coolidiot2000: [doctors exam] "I'm feeling a lump here. Here's another. You have several lumps." -uh oh, what does that mean doc? "it means you're fat"
@jon_albo: Age is just a number? I stole $100 from your wallet and replaced it with a $5. Don't worry, they're just numbers.