words that seem cool until you find out what they mean
– atrophy
– space bar
– supervision
– extraction
– dogmatic
You Might Also Like
You don’t have to buy high thread count sheets. Just buy cheap sheets and use them for 20 years. Like butter, I tell you.
Meghan Markle: breathes
Press: Meghan Markle wages war on global oxygen supply by hoarding depleting resources within her lungs.
What they say: “Wow, you’re really photogenic.”
What they mean: “Wow, this looks nothing like how ugly you actually are.”
coworker: you’re driving the wrong way! the office is the other way
me: *smacks bungee cords attached to my car* my goals are beyond your understanding
My new hobby is adding unnecessary adjectives like “frozen ice cubes” or “granulated sand” and watching people’s eyes twitch.
Them: Can you imagine jogging—
Me: No
Them: —in this heat
Me:
My husband and I both have colds but only his is really really bad.
ME: One time I was attacked by a shark
REPORTER: Wow! [turns on recorder] tell us what it was like
ME [leans in to mic] A massive fish
Um, hi. How much is the rent for this amazing apartment?
Ma’am, this is the wine aisle of the grocery store.
I once sprained my wrist flapping away too vigorously in a panic after I walked into a massive spider’s web. I told everybody I damaged my hand playing rugby
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
I don’t always make pterodactyl noises, but when I do it’s usually because I’m walking through a crowded aisle in Walmart.
[shooting a bow & arrow in the library] i’m allowed to do this because it’s quiet
I eat children for a living
You what?
I said I feed children
Oh haha thought you sa-
TO MY MOUTH
People think I’m kissing an imaginary girl when I play air tuba.
Technically, the people tied to the tracks are the ones having the trolley problem
I get a cool lever
All that money and sleep was super annoying anyway.
-lies parents tell themselves
Ned Stark is just a gay Boromir.
me: what makes you angry
pirate: when someone steals my p
Me: 🙂
Facial recognition: nope, don’t see it
Me: 😐
Facial recognition: noooo?
Me: 🤨
Facial recognition: no
Me: 😒
Facial recognition: mayyybe??? nvm, no
Me: 🥴
Facial recognition: THERE YOU ARE
“I like to think I trained the toilet. It didn’t teach me anything”
me: correct me if I’m wrong-
the internet: sir, we will correct you even if you’re right
I’ll take the seat next to the guy who swallowed the wifi.
*Password looks at itself in the mirror*
“Don’t listen to Google. You are a strong, confident password.”
Women’s fall fashion is basically coming up with ways to wear a blanket without it looking like you’re wearing a blanket.
The devil.
My husband left me this morning. Again.
he’ll be back after work, but still. I’m getting really sick of these games.
[first day in prison]
Hold up, are you telling me this food is FREE?!?
Wife: I’m leaving with the kids if you don’t stop pretending our house is a hospital
Me: That would be great, we really need the beds