Have you ever met a person, & knew straight away that they were ‘the one’?
Yah. I had to take a restraining order out too.
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wife: how many beers is that for you?
me: yep
me: it’s an egg dying party!
8yo: why are we celebrating dead eggs?
This buffalo chicken salad would be great if it weren’t for all this salad
Me: I’m going to shower
6: you’re beautiful! You don’t need to shower!
Me: Aw, than-
6: just some make up would help
One day you’re partying until last call and then before you know it you’re genuinely upset when someone parks in front of your house
[zebra in prison] well this is ironic
PRISON GUARD: no it isn’t
ZEBRA: ok but I do look kinda funny in here
PG: dude, you murdered 3 people
Jesus: Welcome to my summer party
[Jesus puts finger in the pool and turns it into wine]
Apostles: awwww YEAHHHH
Judas: Merlot? Seriously???
New year new me
Narrator: we’re not falling for that again
Me: damn
did it hurt? when u opened ur bank app
love getting up in the middle of the night to make myself a little chaos snack. sure i’ll put chicken nuggets and cheese sticks in a tortilla. it’s 2 am god can’t see me here
everytime IT tells me to clear my cache and cookies i imagine giving away my money and treats
“let’s run away together” babe no we have dishes to do
[Interview]
Your resume just says “I’m a mom”. Why in the world would I hire you?
Me: BECAUSE I SAID SO THAT’S WHY!
If you can tell from my eye contact at the grocery store that I’m inviting you to race shopping carts, you’re my kinda people.
I swallow at least one note per meal that says “we’re all really proud of you,” in case the person who does my autopsy is having a bad day.
You know your cooking sucks when you toss your leftovers down the garbage disposal and it throws them up again.
‘I’ve been a very naughty girl!’ she said, licking her lips, ‘I need to be punished . . .’
So he invited his mother to stay for Christmas.
[God making coconuts]
ANGEL: Hair on the outside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: Milk on the inside?
GOD: Yes
ANGEL: So, this is another mammal?
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, no
Call me a hopeless romantic, but there’s nothing like a candlelit dinner to obscure the rodent droppings in my storage unit.
what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: [seeing myself living in the woods, consumed by my own fears, writing a surreal manifesto] in marketing
“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”
Hey ladies, No Shave November ain’t for you. Just saw some gal lookin’ like she was tryin’ to smuggle a cactus in her yoga pants. Merica.
Do you think in a parallel universe they just call it parking?
ME: Ok, that’s everything in the dishwasher
*closes dishwasher door*
*turns it on*
*turns around*TEASPOON: You’re not gonna believe this
“NO NO NO NO” – the guy who invented folding chairs watching a wrestling match
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
Apparently it is “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
gonna make a bumper sticker for my car that says “MY KID IS SMARTER THAN YOU’RE KID” just to troll the grammar nazis behind me
Me: *telling my teen a story about a truck driving serial killer*
My teen: That would be a good job for me…being a truck driver.
Me: …
My teen: …
Me: …
My teen: NOT BECAUSE I WANT TO KILL WOMEN