@slyoung5: Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?
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@iQuoteComedy: Girl: "Is that a gun in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?" Guy: "Both, now get in the van."
@jazmasta: "Ugh! Dave is coming to dinner" "Wait, Dave Jones or Dave who impersonates police cars?" [long silence] [hears faint sirens in the distance]
@WilliamRodgers: I'd rather drop a baby than my iPhone.... I mean I can make another baby, but I have no clue how to make an iPhone.