Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?
You Might Also Like
I brag that having kids gets you out of stuff, but my colleague just used her gerbil’s illness to skip a corporate retreat. So basically this family could have been a gerbil.
Life was so barbaric in the olden days. Imagine hitting snooze on a rooster.
[interview]
HIM: have u ever bribed anyone?
ME: *pulls a package of OREO’s from briefcase and slides across table* depends on who’s asking
Text: How come you stopped drinking?
Me: Because I kept waking up with you.
Her: I hate you.
Me: I’m into fitness
Trainer: not again
M: fitness whole pizza in my mouth
T: you should go
M: this isn’t going to “workout”
T: LEAVE NOW
Little known fact:
If you eat a Tide POD™ you will poop out the secret of how to fold a fitted sheet.
Sorry I bit you I was just checking whether you were cake or not
[ english class ]
me: this is useless, i’m outta here
*20 years later*
judge: please rise for your sentence
me: my what
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was attempting to take off my sports bra.
“Ham with pineapple is delicious, so why not on pizza?” The executioner throws the torch on the pyre, without strangling me first.
I bet characters in science fiction novels get annoyed when they read all the feast scenes in fantasy books. “Why do they get cakes and mutton and we’re stuck with instant noodles and nutrient paste?”
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
me: i’m sad about this thing
therapist: but it’s not about that thing
me: ok thx here’s $175
[Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: This isn’t exactly a glowing reference
ME: You’re supposed to read it in the dark stupid
Therapist: Would you use alcohol, food and sex as a means of feeling happy?
Me: Yes, thanks.
become ungovernable
[having sex]
Her: HARDER!
ME: Divide 110 into two parts so that one will be 150% of the other. What are the 2 numbers?
Her: 44&66 HARDER!
Irony ~ giving my daughter a set of my old encyclopedias and she Googles “What’s an encyclopedia?”
Poor Luigi when his parents were all, “This is Mario, we also call him ‘Super Mario’. And this Luigi, we also call him ‘Player 2’.
Exercise makes you look better naked, so does tequila, choose wisely my friends
If I could travel back in time to change anything I would go back 15 minutes and stop myself from agreeing to play with my toddler.
Her (seductively): Anything special you want tonight for your birthday?
Me: You know what I like in bed, baby.
Her:
Me: *winks*
Her: *leaves the ceiling fan on*
The police have just found my stash of ceremonial chairs in my transparent garden potting shed. Just goes to prove…
People in glass houses shouldn’t stow thrones
Forget the fad diets, I’m gonna lose weight the old fashioned way – by not having enough money for food.
ME: [on the phone] Plz come home from work
WIFE: Why
ME: Theres a spider in the bathroom
WIFE: so kill it
ME:[whispering] its got my gun
Have you been working out? You look amazing! You should be a supermodel. I ran over your dog.
FYI – when your pilot says “we’ll be on the ground shortly” fellow travelers don’t appreciate it when you loudly add “one way or another.”
An empty parking lot
I saw him go by
Quickly locked the doors
You can never be too safe
I bravely got out of the car after the bee flew away
So… I JUST FOUND A CAT THAT IS NOT MINE AND IT HAS HAD BABIES UNDER MY BED.
At least my masseuse has my back.