You can’t spell fries without friends. I guess what I’m saying is that fries are friends. Delicious friends.
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Yeah, conservatives. I will marry a dog. I’ll marry 12 dogs. I’m a dog mormon now.
Wife: please don’t
I look her in the eyes, kiss her delicately and shake my head
Me: somethings are worth fighting for
I slowly stand, catch my breath for a few seconds and start walking towards the buffet bar for the 10th time
I went on a date with a dolphin today, we just clicked.
I love to watch the look of panic on my husband’s face when I pull a pair of panties out of my drawer and say, “um, these aren’t mine.”
[Date]
Me: You’re a scientist?
Him: Yeah
M: You like chemistry?
H:
M: Wanna get in my genes?
H:
M: *slow winks*
H: Are you having a stroke?
[being murdered]
me: hey are u Scottish
murderer: actually i am
me: then i guess u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]
My toxic trait is that if you see me naked, that girl from the ring murders you in 7 days
[placing hand on my boss’s casket] who can’t think outside the box now
✌️
I am in:
🔵 Kentucky
🔵 Texas
🔘 PantsFor the:
🔵 Fried Chicken
🔵 Chainsaw Massacre
🔘 First time in weeks
I live alone.
The dryer is my closet.
Of all the essential oils WD40 is the essentialist.
Teen: Your brows are on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your FACE is on fleek.
Teen: Thanks!
Me: God damn it.
Me: My book was translated for the UK.
Wife: They speak English.
Me: *looks at the 1000 times they changed “stroller” to “buggy”* Sort of.
Judge: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
Defendant: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
J: Stop that.
D: Stop that.– repeat offenders
Save money by just buying bigger pants instead of paying a one year gym membership
When you gaze into the abyss sometimes the abyss pats you gently on the hand and says she’s just not that into you.
“Can we stop for a second? I forgot everyone’s names again.” – me, if I was a character on Game of Thrones
50 Shades of Letting People on the Train Know You’re Not Getting Laid
My husband is totally okay with period sex so I dress up like Abraham Lincoln.
Who called it a Cold Sore and not a Public Display of Infection
[When Harry Met Sally, 1989]
HARRY: Hey
SALLY: Sup
*roll credits*
Yesterday I was feeling off but today I knocked over a small pitcher of soy milk in a diner trying to check my reflection because a really hot girl walked by so I guess I’m back
[wife explaining to me how deaths in movies work]
So the actors really don’t die?
“No”
So is Abraham Lincoln really not dead?
*she sighs*
Ah, I see my old arch nemesis, the bottom of the bottle, has arrived.
therapist: you are your own worst enemy
me: undefeated baby
Him: Hi
Me: I bet you say that to all the girls
what is the opposite of FOMO called? like when you see something you could have gone to and you’re like glad i missed out on that shit
I’d have saved a fortune in Botox if my mama had been right and my face had frozen like that
I try not to snack at night, but the cheese in my fridge haunts me. What if I die in my sleep and NO ONE EATS IT?