@robfee: Have you ever thought about how weird it is that one of your hands is dumber than the other?
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@rockymomax: Cop: You doin drugs? "No" Cop: Whatya smokin? "Pot" Cop: THATS DOING DRUGS "Ohh I thought you meant like [whispers] having sex with drugs"
@bobvulfov: [audition for a vampire tv show] ME: as u can see in my headshots, i'm a vampire CASTING DIRECTOR: theres no one in these photos ME: exactly
@EJGomez: [interrupts pastor] but jesus was crucified today shouldn't we call today "Bad Friday" or even "Kinda Messed Up They Killed Jesus Friday"