Have you ever thought about how weird it is that one of your hands is dumber than the other?
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[at ultrasound]
Dr [preparing gloves]: are you allergic to latex?
Me: yeah that’s why we’re here
Me: *braids girl’s hair*
Girl: *turns around, terrified*
Me: The movie was boring me…
*leans back in seat*
*eats popcorn*
John Lennon: Help! I need somebody!
Anybody: I’d be happy to—
John Lennon: Not just anybody!
Anybody: Okay then.
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
[I kneel down, pick up some dirt and let it run through my hand]
uh huh….
[I lick my finger and stick it in the air] hmm….
[I run my knuckles over some moss on a nearby tree]
unless i’m mistaken, it would seem that i’m outside
Tired of not knowing if I should swipe my credit card, insert the chip or punch myself in the face.
#oldknees
I want the free time of the guy who opts in for the after-call survey
power’s been out for a bit. candlelight is less sexy when you’re using it to feed your puking baby whilst eating cold soup
Teens think they have an all-purpose insult for uncool people over 30 with “OK boomer”, but little do they know uncool people over 30 are about to deploy our most devastating weapon against it: ruthlessly appropriating it until it’s cringingly uncool to say it in any circumstance
If you can say “I made six figures last year,” you either have a well paying job or you’re the worst employee at a toy factory.
dollar store pregnancy test instructions say to pee on the stick then wait 9 months
It took a full year of homeschooling but I managed to teach my children how little I know.
My wife looks like the cats in those cucumber videos when she turns around & sees me naked.
I just broke two of my dad’s old Queen Records. Now I want to break three.
[commercial for soup]
Have you ever wanted to eat regular food only with water poured all over it?
NARRATOR: SOUP
If I had a dollar for every time someone got me to try a beer by saying it didn’t taste like beer, I’d call it my I͟T͟ D͟O͟E͟S͟ T͟O͟O͟ T͟A͟S͟T͟E͟ L͟I͟K͟E͟ B͟E͟E͟R͟͟ money.
Kids are so inquisitive.
“Will robots ever take over the world?”
Me: “Almost certainly.”
“But when? Before I die?”
“A bit before, yes.”
If my “check engine” light would check my wallet, it would know there’s nothing I can do about it.
Wife: We need a mattress.
Salesman: Try them by getting into your usual sleeping position.
Wife: [lays on mattress]
Me: [heads to sofa department]
My neighbor thought she saw me doing yoga in the driveway, but actually I was just checking the mail on ice.
We have two 5 month old kittens and they went outside for the first time today. They stepped out, looked around, saw our neighbour then ran back in and hid under the table and I think I may have birthed them
birds: it’s peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
hey guys I chipped my tooth and now I can do the land down under flute solo when I laugh
Love is always patient and kind.
GPS: left—left again—take another left—ur gonna want to take this left—stay left
NASCAR DRIVER: why is there a gps in here
*Romantically carries pizza over threshold
I’m just saying, if I was a divorce lawyer, I’d locate my firm directly across the street from an Ikea.
“DOES ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I step forward boldly.
“I know OF it.”
WIFE: [holding newborn baby] Ive never been so proud of anything in my life
ME:[thinking about that one time I drew a perfect giraffe] same