My daughter asked me why my grandfather was a racist, and if she has to become one too
I said it was because his parents didn’t raise him properly, and he was ignorant and full of hate
As she walked away crying I realized she was asking me how he became a race car driver
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From the other room 4 just yelled, “Don’t worry, mom! I’m not doing anything,” and I think I have a pitch for the next blockbuster horror movie.
A lot of people hate when I speak Spanish around them, I don’t blame them because most times I’m talking about them.
this royal photo stuff… funny how you all suddenly feel like you have a license to talk about women’s bodies… newsflash: some women have zippers in their hair. some women’s legs are too small and oddly bent in on themselves. some women don’t have reflections
They just announced step away from the windows at O’Hare because of a tornado warning and crazy storm, so about 10 people got up and walked towards the windows to take pictures.
I hear you calling out to me. I miss you too! Soon baby, soon!
– me to my bed.
So the six-year-old has permanently moved in to her new place, under the kitchen table.
“So, this is your so called ‘surprise gift’?”
Amazed I’ve never been framed for murder I shed more than a golden retriever
[first day as a scientist]
Scientist: you have a budget of $1.3m
*2 weeks later*
Scientist: we need a progress update
Me [has blown the budget on an army of genetically engineered dog size giraffes]: wind is basically air in a hurry
My friend, the police officer: I have to arrest a district court judge for malpractice, the whole story is out in this magazine, look at the cover
Me: Hope u have proof, else u know what you are doing right?
Friend: Huh, what?
Me: You are booking a judge by the cover
Read the tweet above this one and then the tweet below it. People paid FORTY-FIVE DOLLARS PER SHARE FOR THIS.
I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.
We have moved and we are trying this thing of living with minimal furniture. So if you need me I am leaning against the bathtub so that I can put on some pants furniturelessly.
This isn’t fat this is a stockpile. I’m doomsday prepping.
Having kids is a little like when the free sample lady tries to tell you all about the cheese & you pretend to be interested while you eat.
Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019
THEM: where are you from
ME: canada
THEM: no, where are you FROM from
ME: ooohh…! canada
THEM: no, like what’s your background
ME: oooh…!
[shows them my phone background]
When people’s driving tweets end mid sentence, did the paramedics find their phone and hit send?
I say make the bed the second you get out of it. My sister says let the sheets cool first. We each suspect the other of instability.
Ooh I do like a good funnel
-Come on, it’s time to go
-No
-We are going to be late
-I hate school
-But Mum, you have to take me!
Your helium addiction is out of control, but nobody is taking your cry for help seriously.
*Seductively hides in the woods
I accidentally come home with a brand new car one time after taking our old one in for an oil change and all of the sudden I’m not allowed to make decisions anymore.
stay together for the future spouses of your kids, having two sets of in-laws is sadistic stuff
Of course I support real issues.
I donate hundreds of dollars to the Girl Scouts every year for the ‘No Cookie Left Uneaten’, movement
Interviewer: “Are you good at making snap decisions?”
*20 minutes later*
Me: “No.”
John Lennon: Here I stand head in hand, Turn my face to the wall—
Me: um, it’s fine if you just count to 20 while we hide
I honestly don’t know what my family would do without me.
I’m the only one that knows how to find the correct version of my toddler’s favorite song on YouTube.
Parenting through the years:
1st kid: Organic food only
2nd kid: “McDonald’s once in a while isn’t so bad.”
3rd kid: “Did he just eat dog food? I’m sure he’s fine.”