@MattElGato: Have you found Jesus? No? Me neither. I think we lost him near the border. God, I hope he's ok. He had like all the cocaine with him.
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@whatmaddness: If you want your friends to stop asking you to work out with them, go once. Show up in leather. Bring your workout cake.
@JRevard: If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex to move back in. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.
@EyeSeeYou619: [first date] HIM: So how was your OMG did you just pull a hot sauce packet out of your bra