Have you found them?
“Not yet, sir.”
THEY’RE MUTANT TURTLES THAT DO KARATE. HOW HARD COULD IT BE?
“They wear tiny masks, sir.”
You Might Also Like
Can’t believe I went on a date with someone who did a background check on me and casually spent the rest of the night reciting facts about me to me, and then proceeded to continue going out with him.
If I’m guilty of anything it’s only of loving too much, insider trading, public indecency, treason, arson, jaywalking, piracy & cannibalism.
DID Y’ALL KNOW THAT THEY MAKE CAFFEINATED WATER? WHY AM I YELLING?!?
coworkers whispering: why does he wash it if he’s gonna peel it?
me leaving the break room with a wet banana: morning guys
My neighbor won’t understand why I hide in my car until she has kids.
My 7YO was coloring in her room on her desk, now I’m wiping off the paint from every part of the house
Thanks to a fan for this one!
GOD: I will send you to Earth to be a martyr.
JESUS: What’s a martyr?
GOD: Not much, what’s a martyr with you?
[boarding a plane]
me: I’m nervous
steward: oh why?
me: *leans in for kiss*
Sorry I called your huge zit pimple poppenheimer
CW: I think you’re two-faced
Me: Why don’t you say that to my face
CW: I just did!
Me: No. My other face.
I’m 25, which means I’m just as far from 10 as I am from 40.
Although, in terms of money and maturity, I’m still way closer to 10.
#FoundAtGrandmasHouse
Grandpa’s welcome sign
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your phone.
it’s only anxiety if it comes from the anxious region of the brain otherwise it’s just sparkling nervousness
Too bad my 20 year high school reunion was cancelled. My plus 1 was going to be the extra person I gained in weight since high school. Darn
What would aliens say if told that Earthlings shift clocks by an hour to fool themselves into thinking there’s more sunlight
NOBODY:
GRANDPA: *posts ‘celebrity nip slips’ on Facebook instead of into a search engine*
How do typists like their apple pie?
With a little bit of qwerty cream.
You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.
Brings a particularly tough steak to a knife fight.
[Therapy]
Me: “What do you mean I might have ‘psychopathic tendencies’?”
Therapist: “Why don’t you turn off your chainsaw, so we can hear each other better?”
“What if it makes me look stupid,” she said redundantly.
I would learn how to backflip but i’m saving spinal injuries for after i’m 60
I feel so bad for my cat, he’s sitting by the door crying out for this cat and her baby (that are on the opposite side) The same cat I caught him with the night he snuck out, but sweetheart you have been neutered for a year+ she is lying, that is not your baby
WIFE: I wish you would drop this stupid genie act
HUSBAND: honey I already told you, you’re out of wishes
Mum, that’s not a picture of Jesus
Just once, I’d like to see an honest Facebook status, like “happy birthday to my average-looking, sort of friend, Amanda!”
I refuse to eat at restaurants that say kids are only free one day of the week. Imprisoning children is wrong.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: …and over here are the free weights.
ME: *shoving weights in my pockets* Fantastic.