Have you found them?
“Not yet, sir.”
THEY’RE MUTANT TURTLES THAT DO KARATE. HOW HARD COULD IT BE?
“They wear tiny masks, sir.”
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if i could teach my cat to go downstairs and accept my doordash delivery i would never marry
I once broke up with a guy because he ate half my french fries, and when I get really lonely, I still think about those french fries.
My niece asked me “Why is his body so little?” Now I can’t unsee it.
Prosecutor: I object
Me: No, you a person
Judge: On what grounds?
Me: The courthouse grounds
Judge: I’m ordering you-
Me: Hi Ordering You, I’m Dad
Judge: Bailiff, take him out
Me: That’s flattering but I’m married lol
“Is the library open today?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t close for Columbus Day?”
“We do not.”
“I think it would be appropriate to do something to honor Christopher Columbus.”
“You could announce that you’re going to come to the library but then accidentally go somewhere else instead.”
Good mental health at work and good management go hand in hand and there is strong evidence that workplaces with high levels of mental wellbeing are more productive.
📸: @lizandmollie
#positivethoughts #positivemind #positivelife #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward
“Call your mother and tell her what you REALLY think!
~Vodka
After bragging I could eat hot curry to be cool, the football Christmas dinner was at an Indian restaurant. I ordered the vindaloo, after a few minutes I was in tears. I grabbed my phone and pretended to take a call, standing up I said, “My dogs died” and walked out.
Parenting Tip:
Place fake present under tree with unruly child’s name on it and when he misbehaves toss it into the burning fireplace
Sure I’ve got problems like everyone else but not enough to start a podcast.
Date nights are great to bond with your spouse over why the hell are the spoons in the fork rack
I’m assuming my husband bought me gym clothes and fat burning supplements because he wants a divorce
If you can talk really fast you have some options in life: Become an auctioneer or list the side effects of drugs at the end of commercials.
[blind date]
her: this is nice, i was worried you’d turn out to be weird or something
me: i lost my virginity on a ghost pirate ship
her: ah there it is
Take revenge, crap on a pigeon.
Considering the effort it takes to get into these damn things, I consider them all sports bras.
I would walk barefoot over hot koalas for you.
*internal alarm…awakens at 6am
*presses nose
*sleeps 9 more minutes
I’m playing chess against my gardener. Your move, Jesus.
It’s a gift
“How’d the date go?”
Not good. Too many red flags.
*Flashback to her house being covered with USSR flags*
I think she might be a communist.
My “Game of Thrones” is just me running around the mall looking for a clean toilet.
My son told me he couldn’t wait to grow up…
So I took out my vitamin day of the week organizer and explained every one. Next we discussed every body cream I have. Then we paid bills for the month. He was crying at this point so we had ice cream while we did meal planning.
To err is human; to Air Bud is dog!!!!
For a tiny person unable to wipe herself after she poops, my toddler has managed to hit me dead in the eyeball with 4 things today.
If anyone asks why I’m not in a relationship I’m going to tell them it’s due to supply chain shortages.
Beethoven:Who wants to hear some Symphonies?
*crowd goes wild
B:I SAID WHO WANTS TO HEAR SOME SYMPHONIES
*crowd goes nuts
B:I CANT HEAR YOU!
I asked my driving instructor if I passed my driving test, he told me “no” as we swam ashore.
Him: so you like bad boys?
Me: of course not
Him: oh. but your tinder profile sa-
Me: -wait just a minute [my dog leaves the room] ok he’s gone. no that was a lie, I totally do
if they played poker with potato chips I’d have a gambling problem