Time to stuff a zucchini. I won’t say where.
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If you see a hot girl walking you should honk your horn to let her know you’re intrested and afraid to talk to girls.
[hospital]
“We found the problem. There’s an entire sheep in your stomach.”
“Is that bahahaad?”
“Yes. It’s causing some internal bleating.”
I know karate and tons of other words.
Monica just destroyed the internet
me: meet my invisible gf
friend: u don’t have to settle for that
me: ok but she’s–
friend: i was talking to her
It’s complicated.
-My response when someone asks if they can have one of my beers.
HR said no more nunchucks.
Twitter is the social media version of Grease. Ya know, 40 year old people acting like they’re still in high school.
“I have limits.”
As I sit and sip glue from my coffee cup to hold myself together.
[job int]
“Under skills u put ‘not being afraid of pigeons’.”
[nervously shifts in chair]
“That’s right. Why? Do any pigeons work here?”
[watching Queer Eye]
tan france on TV: *holding up a shirt* this is ghaaastly. this is the oogliest shirt i have evah seen.
me at home: *looks down* *is wearing the exact same shirt*
My daughter, who is 12 and can read: oh my, look at all the tiny apples
All the tiny apples:
Whoever decided Halloween and daylight saving should happen in the same week should lose their calendar-setting privileges
Girl, are you an environmentalist?
‘Cuz everytime you walk into a room you turn it into a heavily wooded area.
The quickest way to double your money is to hold it in front of a mirror.
Had a big lunch at Taco Bell. Off to the woods to prove a point.
Sleeping Beauty has a pretty good situation going on until Prince Charming came and screwed it up.
Kid: Dad, what does ironic mean?
Dad: Well son, when 2 people decide to get married on Independence Day…..
As part of our environmental target, we recycled* 87 tons of aluminium this morning, 5 tons of rubber, 18 miles of wiring and 7 tons of glass.
*plane missed the runway
Eating in my 40s is confusing: I’m young enough that I still need to take care of my body, but old enough that I don’t want to risk having a salad as my last meal.
Be nice to your old friends. They have pictures of your hair from 1988.
Made it to that level of parenting a teenager where you hand over thousands of dollars to an orthodontist and then a year later she has crooked teeth because “bruh, the dog ate the retainer like a long time ago.”
A black shape emerges from your attic; all you can see are claws. You’ve made $4000 in 30 minutes working from home, but at what cost?
I can’t believe I’m supposed to obey ALL the traffic laws ALL the time.
What do the films Titanic & the 6th sense have in common?
Icy dead people…
Fun bible fact: No records exist of Jesus’ life from age 12 to 30 because he was backpacking across Europe with his pet Pterodactyl
Yes the weather in Iowa is bad, but the options are worse
Wearing shirts of bands you don’t listen to is like refusing to eat the cupcake, but cool walking around with frosting all over your face.