Have you heard about the late great actor?
“Wow, he’s dead?”
*Actor strolls in*
Nope, just never on time.
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[talking to a frat bro]
Me: Dude you have such a strong axe scent.
I use subtitles so if I learn anything interesting I can say “I was reading about” instead of “I saw on an episode of Love is Blind”
“I’m hungry. Except for anything you made. There’s no way I’m eating that.”
– Kids
*watching horror movie where young couple moves into new house & scary things happen* This is unrealistic they could never afford this house
My Sister: My baby doesn’t sleep! The books say newborns sleep 16 hours a day!
Me: Unfortunately, some babies don’t read those books.
My late night activities includes getting drunk and slow dancing to the Bee Gees with my cat.
I was a better person when I bought this lettuce.
Ask a man if he’s critiquing your work…
Men Who Are Dating say: No, & compliment you.
Single Men say: Yes
Married Men: Try to hide
Humans will not be fully evolved until everyone achieves the ability to maintain a constant speed while driving.
[gym]
Him: Are you using that machine?
Me: *locked in a passionate embrace with the squat rack* it’s CLEARLY mutual
DENTIST: Have you been flossing?
ME: Have you been flossing?
DENTIST: *sweating* This isn’t about me.
Me: do you want to go out?
Dogs: YES
Me: are you sure?
Dogs: YES MOST SURE
Me: ok
Me: [opens door]
Dogs: [go out]
Me: [closes door]
Dogs:
Dogs:
Dogs: WAIT WAT HAVE U DONE TO US WE DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Have you ever had a conversation with someone and realize half way through that you’re going to need crayons to explain it to them?
me [after losing a rap battle]: I should have worn a hat
friend: yeah he really locked in on your side pony
I just smoked so much pot that I tried to order one of the dishes of food off the scrolling instagram menu.
Getting older is pretty much just paying bills and finally understanding why killers in horror flicks target teenagers.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Have you showered today?
Me: Um, I …
Netflix: And use soap this time.
The only hot singles in my area are in my wallet
My teen can’t seem to make her own bowl of cereal, but she can make a Tik Tok recipe with 17 ingredients.
Movie idea: Family moves into haunted house; ghosts appear; family too busy staring at phones to notice; ghosts leave in disgust.
You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.
OMG THIS IS SUCH A SURPRISE THE THOUGHT OF WINNING AFTER A NOMINATION IS A PHENOMENA THAT BLOWS MY MIND HOW DID IT HAPPEN
– All Emmy winners
You ever notice how when you get home from food shopping, the kids turn into airport security?
Catwoman’s full name is Catherine Woman.
Daughter: dada I’m scared of the dark.
Me: oh honey the dark’s more scared of you than you are of it.
Daughter:
Me: [turns off light] goodnight.
The Dark: oh shit oh shit where’d that creepy little girl go?
Jake and the Cat Man:
One man solves crime, the other spends the entire show being startled by thunder.
me: *smoking a pipe* I remember when all this was fields
farmer: wtf have you done?!
Him: He’s just not the sharpest tool in the shed.
Her: Nah! He’s more like a shed with absolutely no tools.
War & Peace
Weird how people say that gay marriage will lead to people marrying dogs, but the 2nd amendment is never gonna give dogs guns.