“I’m just playing devil’s advocate here.” Ok why are you helping the devil?
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waiter: have you decided
me: yes, we’ll have the garbage bag that smells like scraps of salmon and coffee grinds
my date, who is a raccoon: perfect
Happy Father’s day to all the dads out there trying to keep the front door closed so u don’t AIR CONDITION THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD. COME ON
*died in your arms tonight*
*stuffed in your trunk tomorrow*
*buried in the woods the day after that*
what if “chicken patty” is just short for “chicken patricia”
$20 to go through a corn maze? That’s $20 more than I expect to pay for a walk through vegetables.
Innocent until proven guilty? Well, guess I won’t show up to court
Judge: The jury finds the defendant guilty.
Me: Nooooooooo.
Judge: Again, you’re the plaintiff.
Me: Haha. Oh yeah.
Juliet: yo I’m dead
Romeo: same
Juliet: OR AM I…
I wanted to buy Mariah Carey’s preferred brand of mouthwash, but my wife insisted we purchase Celine Dion’s. So we split up, citing irreconcilable diva rinses.
There are two types of people in this world:
1) Good people
2) People who honk immediately when the red light turns green.
Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out.
Laptop: Please update Adobe.
God: you have terrible eyesight.
Bat: oh no.
God: don’t worry I’ve got a pretty great solution for you.
Bat: sweet!
God: you scream, fly in that direction while you try not to crash into a wall.
Bat:
God:
Bat: I thought you were gonna say glasses or something.
Day 2 of being Kidnapped.
Kidnappers have now committed suicide.
I’m not saying I’m jealous of the pigeons but I certainly wouldn’t mind someone throwing food at me from this park bench.
lawyer: your husband said he wanted his body to be embalmed like an egyptian mummy
me: yes, I’ve abided by his wishes
lawyer: he meant for you to do it after he died
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
Just discovered that my 5yo thinks the lyrics are “apple button jeans, boots with the brrr” and then he does a little shiver
The person who stole my identity sent me a sympathy card
I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive,
“Hi”.
A leaf blower, but for people.
The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.
him: i love you
me: im saving my emotions for the star wars premiere
CIVIL WAR SPOILER: A lot of people in the South still don’t know they lost.
You: Alexa, should I worry about being spied on by balloons?
Alexa: Yes, it’s definitely the balloons.
If you aren’t amazed by a plant showing up after you put a seed in the ground, we have nothing to talk about. Unless you’re like, really hot.
Shipwreck diary, Day 32,567: So, turns out I’m immortal.
“Dad, you were at 63%, so I unplugged your phone to plug mine in”
*Drives ex-son to homeless shelter
Back in college, I used to hang a sock on the doorknob when I wanted to signal my roommate that I had no idea how to fold laundry.
CUSTOMER SERVICE NEEDED IN THE LIQUOR DEPARTMENT
My husband: please stop yelling that from the couch
To subscribe to the NY Times, all you do is enter some info online.
To cancel your subscription, all you have to do is call them, ask to cancel, be re-directed to the canceling department, enter a special code that was sent to your phone, do 20 jumping jacks, and die a little.