“Have you seen my thumb ring?”
~ my proctologist
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All it takes is a “food dreadful, service poor” Yelp review to get your mother-in-law to stop inviting you to Sunday dinner.
Remember: no matter what anyone else thinks of you, it’s how you delude yourself that matters.
Moved the bed for the first time in years and found 47 hair ties, a toy steak, and the lost city of atlantis
me: *kicks a stone*
mountain: my baby
If Barbie and Oppenheimer has taught us anything its that there should always be two movies
I can’t wait for the government to shut down I have some scores to settle. Big time
Me: Green please
God: All goneMe: Hazel then
God: Also goneMe: Blue
God: GoneMe: Whatever, just make them big
God: DoneMe: *looks down* I meant my eyes, you dummy
Shrek + Akira = Shakira???
*mops up wine with cat*
This is me
“I apologize for the misunderstanding”
– Professional
– Non-threatening
– Executive level“Listen here you little shit”
– Assertive
– Life-threatening
– Who knows what will happen next
Archaeologist 1: she must have died suddenly, a mug of tea was still in her microwave
Archaeologist 2: actually we carbon dated the tea and she died a week afterwards
Ke$ha looks like a character I would select in Mortal Kombat
deer don’t deserve antlers. I would do so much cooler stuff with antlers than just “rub them against a tree sometimes”
Waiter: Is Pepsi ok?
Pepsi: I’m fine.
Jesus rose from the grave because he forgot to clear his browser History
Me: *taking an art appreciation class*
Instructor: Please bring my students back
What’s a vampire’s favorite ship?
A blood vessel…
Personality test: do you tend to keep to yourself
Me: Yes
Personality test: you are an introvert
Me: Holy shit
From now on, I am starting violent emails with “to whom it WILL concern”. I want to be clear that I am fighting!
I got my first real 6-string
Bought it at the 5 & dime
Played it til my fingers bled
Mom sued the guitar manufacturer & settled out of court
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.
If you name a baby “Steve” you get to spend all day, like, “Yo, my man Steve shit himself and threw a potato at the cat.”
When is a robot gonna take over my job? Please?
ME: *trying to remember name of someone I met 2 minutes ago*
BRAIN: “Nope. I got nothing. Unless you want complete lyrics to 90s songs?”
Woman on the Drive-Thru Speaker: Will there be anything else?
Me: We just met.
*gets off on a technicality
Technicality: Perv.
“Oh, I do like Chinese food!”
-My 6yo, eating chicken fingers & fries from The Imperial Bamboo kid’s menu
[pushing my son in his stroller]
Stranger: awww aren’t you adorable! how old are you?
Me: 35
Stranger: I was talking to him
Me: He doesn’t know how old I am.
we went from “will there be dinner” to “will there be doors” on this flight in record speed