@Mainstream_Man: Have you seen the new movie, "Constipation"? It may not have come out yet.
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@jordan_stratton: [job interview] Look. First, you give me a job. Then I get paid. THEN I'll be able to buy pants. I can't just skip ahead to the last step.
@XplodingUnicorn: 6-year-old: Why do cars have cup holders? Me: For cups. 6: But you can't drink and drive.
@LittleMissZesty: Transform chocolate into a balanced meal by eating it standing on one leg WITHOUT falling over. Chocolate yoga: it's the next big thing.
@HomeProbably: "Can I borrow your charger?" Me: Sure. *offers keys to my pristine 1969 Dodge Charger Daytona* "I meant for my iPhone." Me: Oh, hell no.