Have you seen the new movie, “Constipation”? It may not have come out yet.
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So I just watched Contagion and tbh, if they had watched the end of the film first, they could have saved a lot of lives.
[the invention of tennis]
“I don’t want this ball.”
“Well, I don’t want it either.”
She was rare, like a goth carolling.
I want my leggings so high waisted I can pull them up over my head and wear them as a hood
Spoiler alert: Sometimes accountants are boring on purpose because we think it’s funny when we see people’s eyes glaze over.
Keep yourself entertained during quarantine by taking daily mail comments and putting them on New Yorker cartoons to create your own satirical comics.
“the blood moon rises once again” [the dishes i washed yesterday respawn in my sink]
GOD: *flipping a coin* Heads! That means it’s the murder hornets.
ANGEL: *sighs* Fine
GOD: Don’t worry, I’ll release the torture squirrels next month
Anyone else notice Independence Day is July 4th? Maybe we can work it into our 4th of July celebrations.
*Roommate recording a lullaby album in his room*
*me banging on his door* HEY!! Can you sing a little louder?? I’m trying to sleep!!
The waiter here is SO sweet
bringing me 4 forks with my cake just in case I drop one.
All archaeology proves is that our ancestors were skeletons and they lived underground.
a female postal worker named Dee Liver somebody write that down
If you thought your life sucked after I honked at you, wait till I throw up my arms in displeasure.
i will never tire of apocalypse shopping because i’m a virgo and also when the end comes i want to rub my preparation in everyone else’s faces
just a good, friendly, light-hearted conversation that for some reason charmin initiated with me
I used to be a big proponent of super-descriptions of characters in stories–down to the last ribbon of their costume. Nowadays, I think vague details work well for a lot of reasons, such as not having to go back and remember how you described them when you’re writing a new book.
I’m beginning to think my best chance of fame is if someone names a syndrome after me.
British parking sign:
———————————
Parking Mon-Fri
Saturday (except Sunday)
No return within 1 hour
2 hour max (bank holiday)
Not valid Fri-Mon
(Excludes Weekdays)
1 hour only
———————————
Told my daughter that whoever takes the longest nap gets to choose what’s for dinner.
And now we wait.
Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.
Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.
My wife & I went to a costume party as each other. She walked around pointing at things, asking how much they cost. I showed up 2 hrs late.
The first time I threatened to “turn this car around!” we’d just left the park and were heading home. The kids cheered. It was a rookie dad move and I still haven’t fully recovered.
No problem, 3 people is my maximum anyway
Sleeping Beauty has a pretty good situation going on until Prince Charming came and screwed it up.
A pastor, a priest and a rabbi walk into a bar…
[Outside court]
Reporter: How does it feel now you’ve cleared your name?
: Odd
i did the math
[Dog office]
Dog 1: excuse me this is my desk – I pissed on it so..
Dog 2: I just pissed higher on it
D1: son of a
D2: SON OF A WHAT, DAVID?
You raised me and taught me everything I know. Happy Father’s Day, internet.