Have you tried complaining about it for hours?
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me: I had some friends over for dinner, but they didn’t like the tacos I made
him: oh no, did you overreact-
me: no, I just threw them out
him: oh
me: then I ate the tacos
him:
I spent $500 on that Harvard application, damn right I framed the rejection letter.
They don’t touch my pizza after it comes out of the oven?
So, wait. They used to touch my pizza?
A smile lets people know you are willing and able to bite them if necessary.
Cat: Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk… [ *Coughs up hairball* ]
Dog: You gonna eat that?
Mom always said she didn’t have a favorite child, which was tough because I don’t have any brothers or sisters.
Me: What’s your favourite book?
Her: Well, I love 1984
Me: Ok, but just choose one.
No one said life would be easy, but a heads-up on the number of idiots out there would’ve been nice.
There is really no good way to work “garçon” into dirty talk and yet that hasn’t stopped me from trying.
if I accidentally respond “you too” after a fast-food clerk tells me to enjoy my meal, I shove some fries in their mouth so it isn’t awkward
“Hello, can I speak to Mr Featherstonehaugh please?”
“How are you pronouncing that?”
“It doesn’t matter, this is a written joke”
If elected mayor, I promise to put a giant, ship-crushing squid in every sea.
If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.
Bread is a hell of a drug.
The term “baby steps” is so offensive to babies. If you’re a baby, taking a step is the most impressive thing you’ve ever done.
So my husband told me that his coworker gave him homemade bath bombs over the holidays & that he tried one & it didn’t dissolve v well but he’d never used one before & thought it was normal. He left the other one for me & I just tried it. It. Is. A. COOKIE.
Wife: you can trust me
Me: last week you told me I’d look good with a ponytail
Wife:
Me:
Wife: you can usually trust me
Hostess:There’s a 45 min wait
Me:Do you know who I am? I have THOUSANDS of followers!
H:Let me ask my manager
*2 min later
H:It’ll be 43 min
Bruce Willis is snorkelling when a shadowy figure appears in front of him. It’s a pug in full scuba gear. a very slow chase ensues
piñata: harder daddy
me: [lifts blindfold] what
piñata: let me wear the blindfold
{first time watching golf}
why do these guys hate that egg so much?
My spirit animal took one look at me and went back to the spirit world.
[takes a drag from a cigarette] Her middle name was Danger. Her first name was Danger. Her last name was Danger. Her parents were stupid.
Detective: I see, and how long has she been missing?
Me: (holding back tears) 3 days
D: Mmhm. And we have her Instagram so we know what she looks like
M: Not really
The bouncer was kicking me out & I put up my finger for him 2 wait,while I chugged the rest of my drink.All he could say was:
Are U serious?
911: What’s you’re emergency?
ME: You mean “your”?
911: OK. So..?
ME: Someone’s murdering me
911: You mean “murdered”
ME:..
911: [dial tone]
“I’d give that five minutes, if I were you.”
Me: can I have a few extra days off over Christmas
Boss: it’s May
Me: sorry, may I have a few extra days off over Christmas
Everyone should own large grizzly bear in case they ever need to defend themselves against one.
Me: *gets on scale*
5yo: Whoa! That’s a lot of points!
The great thing about having a mouse in your house is that I’m sure it’s just the one mouse probably.