Dandelions are just like regular lions, except they wear ascots.
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[being chased through the woods by a murderer]
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENINGMurderer: What?
Me *showing him my Fitbit* I’ve done 10,000 steps
Murderer: omg lemme check mine
This is Sparta
So apparently a no-fly list isn’t a comprehensive log of all other insects.
I bet Gloria Estefan’s kids were terrified of rhythm.
Set my alarm for 2 am to go into my son’s room and tell him it’s raining to repay the favor he let me know this morning.
The sock thief who lives in our dryer has developed a taste for masks.
Princess Peach: Something’s different. You seem taller.
Luigi wearing Mario’s red overalls: No, nothing is different. It’sa me, Mario.
Becoming a grandparent is the one time it’s acceptable to choose your own nickname and people blow it EVERY TIME. Why would you be Grampy when you could be DEATHBLADE.
I’d take the high road if it weren’t for the debilitating vertigo.
I wanna get in touch with those teachers who told me that I have potential, and be like, “Ha! I didn’t amount to anything! In your face!”
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions
*yells up to treehouse*
me: what are you girls doin?
them: *yells back* chattin and braidin!
me: *climbing up* WAIT ARE THOSE BOY’S NAMES, I DON’T KNOW ANYMORE
I can’t remember where I parked my car an hour ago but I can recall how stupid I was at 20. Please God erase that memory & bring back my car
What’s with these people who take a sip of their coffee as soon as they get it? Who are these iron-mouthed warriors?
the pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on a pair of corduroys.
Dr: Have you been getting enough exercise?
Me: Does sex count as exercise?
Dr: Yes.
Me: No.
Me: Tie me up? That’s kinky
My Kidnapper: You’ve made this awkward now
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
I am the all knowing oracle, you may ask me one question
“How do you pronounce quinoa?”
[it’s just covered in sweat] um can u ask me another
I don’t sweat Friday13. I’m not superstitious. I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of teenagers, then chill
Sooo romantic. He said I’m a work of art.
Or a piece of work. Something like that.
for my next trick i will fall asleep 15 minutes into the movie i begged us to watch
Good morning Twitter. It’s been 43 minutes since my last confession…
2019 stress ball: ●
2020 stress ball: |
Of course I believe in miracles…even though I’m a virgin, somehow my wife has given birth to three beautiful children.
My neighbor’s 2yo is on my front lawn shouting NO NO NO NO. Not sure what she’s protesting but I’m gonna go join her.
We have nothing to fear but fear itself, and spiders, and bears, and scientists, and scientists creating spider bears, and science bears
Did you know that your iPad has a built in bathroom scale app? Go ahead, try it.
The DaVinci Code but it’s just me trying to unlock the secret to why there are so many crumbs in my toddler’s bed