“Have you tried just letting go?” Me as a therapist
“Whatever you do, don’t let go!” Me as a part-time mountain climbing instructor
Was a bad day at the office the time I mixed those two up…
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My neighbor’s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.
There are many puddles in my city right now and I have very quickly learned I have holes in my shoes.
*ding*
This is your captain speaking. We… Is this what my voice sounds like? Nobody told me! Haha, wow, weird. We’re out of fuel.
I see Netflix changed The Punisher’s origin to have his family killed by the government instead of him getting bit by a radioactive punish.
ME: I found a genie today
WIFE: that’s wonderful, I have some great ideas for wishes
ME: *looking at brand new unopened copies of Shrek 1, Shrek 2, and Shrek 3* I can’t wait to hear them
The worst part about insomnia is having to eat spiders while conscious
Child: Mommy said I’m allowed to say the C-word now.
Me: Uh. What C-word?
Child: The bad one.
Me:
Child:
Me: Mommy is letting you say-
Wife [running in from other room]: CRAP SHE MEANS CRAP
Yeah, but is it Tyrannosauri Rex or Tyrannosaurus Rexes?
*The Jehovahs Witness slams my own door in my face
If Twitter allowed us to attach a signature to each Tweet, mine would be : “He said, stupidly.”
they need to increase life expectancy so I can squeeze in another mid-life crisis
Youth Pastor: do you know who also crashed a market?
Don’t you hate it when you march into the depths of hell and then you can’t remember what you went in there for.
My coworker Tim fell down the stairs and nobody laughed when I yelled “TIMBERRRRRR”
Pro tip-If you bring a toy boat into a hot tub and repeatedly reenact the Titanic, in a few mins you’ll have the entire hot tub to yourself.
Kesha dropping the $ sign from her name just shows how bad the economy really is
How come Ex-Lax never has coupons for a “Big Blowout Sale”???
“Hello, my little friend.”
“Um, hi.”
“See that lady holding the camera?”
“Yeah?”
“She leaves for work in an hour.”
I’m no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it’s 4AM and I’m making up words again.
You say “aargh” and my reply is definitely “Aargh indeed.”
Sex is like my hair. I didn’t have any yesterday. I didn’t have any today. And unless something drastically changes, I won’t have any tomorrow.
wild how someone lied about how they got pregnant 2000 years ago and now i have an air fryer
I’m not afraid I’ll yell out the wrong name during sex, I’m afraid I’ll yell out the name of the candy bar I’m thinking about.
I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.
The next time someone asks me my ethnicity I’m just going to say I come from a long line of pirates.
Monday
My neighbour was rushed to hospital today after a wasp landed on his face. It didn’t sting him, luckily I got it first with my shovel.
Now, where’s the sport in that?
Why are you screaming my name? I’m right here..
Having sex is weird.
“that’s why they pay me the medium bucks” always kills in meetings. that’s free for you to use any time you want, buddy. little gift from me to you
My kid asked me to hold her candy, took one look at my excited face and decided she should hold onto it instead, which was definitely the right call.