Have you tried locking him in your trunk?
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My son just lost a tooth and wants money, not soy sauce packets this time.
if you’re in a bathroom & person in next stall sneezes, do you say bless you or just applaud like normal? need answer fast too late clapping
I’ve achieved absentee parent status by leaving my dog alone for 27 minutes
I used to wear tailored suits. Now I have “good” leggings, “grocery store” leggings and “so it’s come to this” leggings.
[chatting up a man in camouflage pants]
Where’d you get those tree legs, garden boy
Kids: “Mom watch this. Watch this. Mom. Mama. Mama watch this. You’re not looking. Mom look. Look at me. You’re not looking.”
Me: merging onto the highway
Quarantine status: I now leave an emergency bra near my keys in case I need to go anywhere.
Me teaching Wilderness Survival Class:
“OK EVERYBODY WATCH CAREFULLY AS I DRIVE *AWAY* FROM THE WILDERNESS.”
Nothing makes sex more awkward than realizing your kid is awake…
and standing outside your door…
and playing the harmonica.
R.E.M: Stand in the place where you live
CDC: Exactly
R.E.M.: Now face north, think about direction, wonder why you haven’t before
CDC: Uh, okay?
R.E.M.: Now stand in the place where you work
CDC: NO
I’m uncomfortable with flirting. I never know at what point I show the guy I’m able to put my entire fist in my mouth.
The bar sign said
“WiFi password since1938”
And I was like wow that’s been your password for a long time
ME [during sex]: Ugh I love you so much babe
HER: Mmmmmm I love you too sexy
PRIEST: The kiss was all we needed
ROOF GUY: That’ll be $15,000
ME: I thought you said it was on the house
The book I bought on dog training doesn’t seem to be working. I don’t think she’s even reading it.
Date: “so, tell me a bit about yourself”
Me: “NICE TRY, FEDS”
I got asked for nudes once and I was like, “No, I’m married.” And he was like, “Yeah, I know. I’m your husband.”
my mom making me talk to relatives
I’m only leaving the house today so my selfies will have new backgrounds.
Tattoos tell a story, like tribal tattoos tell a story of a guy that wears sunglasses indoors.
Me: I like naughty girls
Baby daughter: *pukes on the floor*
Me: Not you
My signature move is being a complete idiot trying to convince someone that I’m not drink.
Drank.
Drunk.
My husband doesn’t find it nearly as amusing as I do, when I read all your tweets out loud to him. For 2 hours.
Douche.
During sex
Me: Go deeper
Him: *Stares in the horizon* Imagine living in a world without wars
November is the Sunday of months. no I will not explain
Most monkeys don’t like bananas, they’re just being sexy.
*puts baby powder in a crib*
*adds water*
If someone steals your joke, you have to file a LOLsuit
Be nice to Canadians, American tweeters. We’re going to need somewhere to go after this next election
boss: can i talk to you in my office
me: anything you have to say to me [gesturing to emotional support alligator] you can say to phillip too