“Have you tried putting balogna in it?”
~me, as a marriage counselor
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Doglike cats are some of the sweetest, most adorable creatures on the planet. Catlike dogs emerged directly from a portal to hell
I appreciate it when my cats stand around while I clean their litter box. We’re like a little road crew: one guy works, three supervise.
i tried to ask a girl out today but i messed up my words and accidentally summoned a demon. anyway, whats a good first date for a demon
Do you ever get road rage while walking behind someone moving slow at the grocery store?
[wedding]
PRIEST: In lieu of vows the couple wishes to do their secret hand shake
ME (groom): could everybody turn around? it’s a secret
Scanned a customer in the eyes with a barcode reader for being rude to me….
…should have seen the look on his face, it was priceless
“Stop counting”—-me to my Visa card bill
ME: *seductively removes her G-string*
HER: Could you please just hurry up and finish restringing my guitar?
When will someone invent an alarm that wakes you up by stroking your hair or kissing your neck or making pancakes instead of yelling at you?
the prophecies have been fulfilled
this guy on tiktok rated emergency alarm sounds from different countries and there’s no reason it should be this funny 💀
Retweet if you’re naughty! Star if you love Jesus! Reply if you’d like to meet him!
Remember when we wished we could read people’s minds? Social media has shown just how shitty that power is.
I went from “easy peasy lemon squeezy” to “messy distressy lemon zesty” in ten years.
I should’ve gotten my affairs in order before I decided to bite into this hot pepper.
Me: You are trespassing in my kingdom. If you don’t retreat, I shall have you removed!
Husband: I was just rolling over to spoon you!
If I was a criminal my calling card at the scene would be an empty strip of antidepressants and the cops would be like ‘wow she motivated herself long enough to rob this bank, good for her.’
hear me out- let’s have pet sitters release one harmless flying insect into your home every 2 days you’re gone to keep the pets amused
I said something about my Twitter friends to my husband yesterday and he asked me where they live (I don’t know), what they do for a living (I don’t know), if I know their last names (I do not), can I see a picture (sure!), those are cartoons, what do they really look like? (uhh)
The worst thing about life is getting comfortable and then realizing that you don’t have the remote.
“Read ’em and weep” I say as I lay down my hand: a collection of my grandparent’s handwritten love letters from WWII.
Brewmaster: Get out of there at once!
(Me, splashing giddily in vat): IT’S OK I’M WEARING UNDIES
When I’m good I’m great. When I’m not good I’m the piano falling out of the window of people
[first day as a human being] wow there are a lot of us, this seems promising 🙂 it appears that we’re all in this togeth-
Marriage means commitment. So does insanity.
Coincidence?
Dog: Stop staring at me. I don’t talk. Next time don’t take so many Sudafed.
Me: Wow, ok. Rewd.
*grabs my unicorn’s reins* Let’s go.
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, LEAN!*our canoe tips over*
[ First day as a bartender ]
Me: *unzips customers pants*
Him: wtf!?
Me: you said make it stiff