Hillary: if we aren’t careful donald trump could be our next president. Let that sink in
Clinton Aide: *opens door*
Sink: sorry i’m late
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Brain: Don’t make this weird
Heart: Puts an excessive amount of ketchup on my tacos
Idea for dieting: Fridges with mirrors.
When someone says they worked like a dog, I’m envious because every dog I’ve ever known has done nothing all day long.
If you’d like to be left alone just carry a doll everywhere you go.
I accidentally inhaled some soap when I was washing my face and then I coughed and no bubbles came out. Cartoons are full of shit.
Me: Please, call me John. No need to be all fancy with titles and last names.
Drill sergeant: …
VERY ANNOYED. My enemy keeps playing Hulk Hogan’s theme song b4 I enter rooms. People then expect Hulk Hogan & are disappointed when it’s me
I’ve lost count of how many times in the past week I looked at my inbox and said, “How the hell did I get on this mailing list?” And “What could the CEO of Spanx possibly have to tell me about the coronavirus?”
Last semester a student asked me why I hadn’t graded their paper.
I said the paper was flagged as having ChatGPT generated content & wasn’t sure how to proceed.
Student said they didn’t use ChatGPT; it must have been their friend who wrote the paper for them.
🫠
Axl Rose: You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby
Tarzan: yeah but why are you here.
I was mowing the lawn, hit a small rock and it went flying and hit something to the side of me, I looked over and the neighbor’s car had a small dent, I was going to go tell him but then I thought no I better not, he may think I did it.
[leans against bus stop as bus approaches & winks at girl waiting]
I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.
FBI BOSS: We’ve finally found you a new partner. So what do you say when you meet him?
ME: Nice to meet you.
BOSS: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Let’s turn this FBI onto an FB Us.
Friend: Would you ever get a tattoo?
Me: Never
Him: You’re afraid to make a permanent mistake.
Me: *looks at my 4 kids* Way ahead of you.
Me: I wouldn’t miss it for the world.
Friend: It was yesterday.
When she says she needs more intimacy; she means your feelings, not your colonoscopy report.
[gestures to the parents of a crying baby] shhhh, please. my foot’s asleep
I’ve quit my new job as a postman…..
…..they handed me my first letter to deliver, I looked at it and thought:
“This isn’t for me.”
Funny cuz it’s true! #WritingCommunity #Reading
*The First Ever Rodeo
“…Does anyone know what we’re supposed to do?”
Stairway to heaven vs highway to hell, sounds to me like being bad scores you wheels in the afterlife
If an assassin ever wanted to kill me but make it look like an accident they could just wait until I was walking down the stairs with a plateful of nachos and throw me a pizza
Me: he loves me, he loves me not, he loves me, he loves me not.
Police officer: ma’am this is a lineup
I did a tarot card tweet once and it bombed. Guess I should’ve seen that coming.
A priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk into a bar. All three of them are Scarlett Johansson.
Never bring a bag of cement to a pillow fight.
Unless you want to win.
Sorry for loudly singing “Whoomp there it is!” when you took your pants off. It’s been a while.
DOCTOR: [checking chart] it says here that u suffer from delusions of grandeur
ME: [grabbing chart] thanks doctor, I’ll handle it from here
The cats activated the rainbow portal again