Have your children help with daily chores if you want them to gain confidence and self efficacy also if want to accomplish nothing and go clinically insane.
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My self care time these days looks a lot like me lying on the floor while my 3yo does a high impact circus routine on my back.
Best translation fail. The arabic spells out a transliteration of ‘meat ball’ in English – which sounds like ‘mayit baul’, or Dead Paul.
I woke up to my wife fluttering her eyelashes at me.
I said, “Ok, what do you want?”
She said, “I want you to turn the ceiling fan down.”
ADVERSARY: I’ll beat you at your own game
ME: so crying is competitive now?!
[creation of walrus]
god: make it just, i dunno, a tub of lard
angel: sorry, come again?
god: a waddling lard pile, and give it whiskers
angel: dude what
god: toss some fangs on it, like a big doofus dracula
angel: remember when you flooded the entire planet? this is worse
Watch out for scammers…if you see my profile pic or name asking for money and nudes, that’s not me. I’d only ask for nudes and recipes
My phone just told me my network was unstable.
Same, girl. Same.
Ladies, if he’s never gonna:
-give you up
-let you down
-run around
-desert you
-make you cry
-say goodbye
-tell a lie
-hurt youHe’s not your man, he’s tacos
Hey, thanks for having me over… But, It smells like something died in here and I’m pretty sure it was the housekeeper…
Has anyone checked whether cows really have 4 stomachs? Because it kinda sounds like a lie a cow made up once to get more food
If you’re starved for time, eat a watch.
I have two dogs walking around my house in cones of shame and it’s like living a never ending game of bumper cars
Writer: So this movie is about a little girl and her dog and…
Disney: Her parents die. Brilliant.
Writer: No.
Disney: Just her mom?
Writer: No.
Disney: Her dad?
Writer: No.
Disney: So then who dies? The girl? The dog?
Writer: Nobody dies!
Disney: Get out.
What’s the fetish called when you can only get off if Gordon Ramsey is yelling at you that your risotto is garbage?
WRITER: It’s a kids movie about a woman trying to kill & skin a puppy.
PRODUCER: That’s horrific!
W: What if it was 101 puppies?
P:…Go on
Can I buy you a drink?
“I don’t drink.”
*panics* Oh. Um…well, here’s $12.
[girl I’m talking to playfully touches my arm] Wait, do that again I wasn’t flexing.
Money’s missing from under my pillow, I think I’ve been visited by the teef fairy.
Why do they call it multiple personality disorder and not being a people-person?
Everyone always tells me I look young for my age, especially since I started telling them that I’m 72
For sale: baby shoes. tried to wear them. didn’t realise they were for a baby.
This is no longer an app but a mishapp
My son got his license and I’m terrified, but totally ok if he wants to drive to McDonald’s and get me a McFlurry.
My sister borrowed my favorite shirt without asking again, so I changed her Facebook profile picture to a positive Clearblue pregnancy test.
every. time.
*Sat talking to a girl at a bar*
Brain: Compliment her perfume, nicely.
Me: I AM SMELLING YOU
Brain: Why do you hate me?
Chocolate fountains are so 20th century. This is the future. At my wedding we’re having a burrito fountain.
NASA engineer: the shuttle is completely automated so sit back and relax
[5 minutes later]
me *wedged into a drive-thru* ok dont be mad