Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.
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Changed my outgoing voicemail message to “You have reached the government.”
After staying home with the kids, my first day back to work was going great until I peed with the door open yelling SHARE!
ME: i need to talk to you about something kind of awkward
GENE: what is it
ME: hygiene
GENE: hi kev
Oh crap, this isn’t what I ordered… who has my foot-long sub?
こいつ天才
[gettysburg]
Abraham Lincoln: four score and seven years ago-
Me: wtf does that mean
Abraham Lincoln: 87
Me: say 87 then
Seth Rogen and James Franco having their movie pulled due to terrorist threats sounds like the plot of a Seth Rogen and James Franco movie.
Had a dream some of my friends were mooning me, woke up at the crack of Don.
In an effort to demonstrate how pointless internet debates are, please prove to me that snow is real
They invented the word metallic, because irony was already taken.
[Wife walks in wearing nothing but whipped cream]
Oh my god, Linda, it’s like you’ve never even heard of ants.
My son doesn’t always throw up, but when he does, he’s already in bed.
nothing like a slow cooked sausage
respect
*holds finger up and chews for like 8 minutes after aunt asks me how I’ve been*
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
A telemarketer just called my cell phone.
I pretended to be a phone sex operator.
HE didn’t hang up.
…things got awkward.
There is a small dent on the side of this plane. It must have a…
*Puts on sunglasses*
“Airline fracture”
My roommate thinks our house is haunted but in the 182 years I’ve lived here I’ve not encountered any problems 🤷🏻♀️
My niece asked me if I was planning on getting banged at the work party
She meant hammered.
Yep! Hammered
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for me
Peach Farmer: sure
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for free
Peach Farmer: well just hold on now
i had the idea to smash a lightbulb and a bunch of broken glass appeared above my head
5yo *oldest*: Dad, why do we have to eat our vegetables?
Me: You know what? Our first kid asked the same question
It’s raining outside but the weather report assured me that it’s not so I’m not sure what to wear.
Go ahead. Order anything you want. Money is no object when we dine at Le Foodcourte du Costco.
some days I’m all [sound of a fluffy cloud violently smashing into a mountain] other days I’m [sound of crocodiles gently eating a mitten]
*eats a bag of chips*
*eats 2 baked potatoes*
*eats a plate of fries*
*eats a plate of mashed potatoes*Being a vegetarian is easy!
ANYTHING can be considered your job if you hate it enough.
CW: I think you’re two-faced
Me: Why don’t you say that to my face
CW: I just did!
Me: No. My other face.
Kids…you can be happy about it being the last day of school, but you’ll never be as happy as the teachers.