A lot of people get scared when they watch movies. Not me. I know the lion at the start is just a logo.
You Might Also Like
Keep your friends close and your enemies wrapped in plastic ready for that long drive to the desert.
I always double-check our garage door is closed at night. I don’t want someone stealing all the stuff we’ve been trying to get rid of for years.
After 10 missed calls in a row, I’m tempted to answer the phone just so I can find out who wants to be murdered.
If you play a game with your wife where you pick one person you’d be allowed to sleep with choose a celebrity and not “Liz from Accounting.”
Moola better be the only form of currency at a cattle auction.
Drunk octopus wants to fight. He will rip your coat off your back.
To the people complaining about my tweets. Sorry I’m not justifying your monthly subscription of $0
“I’m so hungry, I could eat a human baby.” Everyone in Whole Foods stares at me stunned “Corn-fed organic of course, I’m not a monster.”
Finally found a use for one of my old bridesmaid dresses. I feel like the prettiest girl in Home Depot.
Husband: Are we going to start eating healthier?
Me: Absolutely!
Husband: So burgers and fries for dinner tonight?
Me: Absolutely!
This is just an IMMACULATE use of Reddit. Peak app performance.
You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.
– Broadway producers
Still writing HBO Max on my checks
HOW TO SURVIVE A BEAR ATTACK:
STEP 1: buy a recliner
STEP 2: buy some beer
STEP 3: stay home and watch tv instead of going into the woods
worst…sale…ever
Me: curling is just hockey with different sticks
Him: you just offended all of Canada
Hand lotion, or as I like to call it
“Sin sauce”
Never seen a bar fight break out while people are drinking wine. Beer, yes. Hard liquor, yes. But not wine.
I’m not Madagascar, I’m just disappointedgascar
“I hope this email finds you—“ STOP FINDING MEEEEE
Border Patrol never did chase down that illegal baby food smuggler from Mexico. I heard he was so fast they nicknamed him Formula Juan.
My goal was to have $10,000 saved by the end of 2022. I’m already at $8.32.
I love how my car’s check engine light turns off. Of course this means the engine has healed on its own.
I don’t respect Aquaman, because I can’t respect a hero whose arch nemesis is that plastic drink holder that you find on a six pack of cans.
If they made “I Know What You Did Last Summer” now it would be like, duh, of course you do, I posted it all on Instagram.
My family’s dull. All through his teens my brother had his head buried in a book before dad exhumed it & reattached to the rest of his body.
Been running on this treadmill for three hours but the timer says 16 minutes
Danny: I got chills, there multiplying.
Sandy: *they’re
You know, I didn’t need to find that poppyseed right between my front teeth immediately after I spoke to the kindergarten room mom for thirty minutes to keep me humble but I guess it won’t hurt
waiter: how are your finger sandwiches, sir?
hannibal lector: *sighs* disappointing