As soon as I’m in my room, I take off my pants. That’s probably why I wasn’t allowed to be home when the realtor was showing my house.
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My child is as cold as ice I wonder where they get that from
I now realize that my mom did not actually have eyes in the back of her head. She just did as I do, randomly yell out “stop it” every 30 min
my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they’re back
Who dies surrounded by friends. Hey Mike come over I’m dying
Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?
If you make a cup of coffee in the office after 3pm people act like you’re doing a line off the counter
“Hot damn!” – the Nazi’s probably after their dams were destroyed.
I don’t know; I’m not a historian. It’s just an educated guess.
Nurse: strip down to your underpants
Me: ok *removes pants to reveal second pair of pants*
I’m calling the cops.
I would run in my flip flops, but I don’t want you to fall in love with me.
*First day as a spy*
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
*flashback to me ringing the doorbell and running away over & over*
Me: Ohhh yeh
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
I’ve decided to become a Disney princess*
*pretend a witch cursed me and stay in bed all day
I mean, if Marie Antoinette didn’t want her head cut off, maybe there should’ve been actual cake.
~ Why I was kicked off the debate team
What Abba never mentioned is that Dancing Queen is really a figurehead position. All the real power is in the hands of Dancing Parliament.
My son keeps running around naked, so I sprayed him with Windex. It’s supposed to prevent streaking.
wife: we can barely pay bills this month, we need to make sacrifices
me: ok, let’s start tomorrow
[next day]
me: [holding severed goat head] honey i’m home
wife: OMG [holds up a 2nd goat head] JINX!
Breaking news!? Shark sighting off Daytona shores. It’s the ocean! That’s where they live. I saw a bird in the sky. Report that too!
There’s a button on this hotel phone that says, “Pizza”.
I may never leave.
[lying on the couch, one leg hanging off the side, face and shoulder smashed against the arm, other leg and one of my hands completely asleep] well as long as the cat is comfortable
Umbrellas are cool because they keep 8% of you dry AND give you a big soggy stick to carry around all day!
Me: I’m a scorpion.
Date: You mean scorpio?
Me: (clicking my claws together) No I very do not.
GF: um—you said you had something important to show me
[a fat little penguin waddles by wearing a monacle]
ME: YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO WAIT
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: ok
[later at zoo]
A: wtf
M: a lemur
A: I said leader
M: well ur ship is so loud I couldn’t hear a damn thing
The next person who says I’m using chopsticks incorrectly can cut this umbilical cord themselves
“Money doesn’t grow on trees” is something rich people say so you won’t find their money trees.
Everyone was naming their favourite French movie and I couldn’t think of one so I just said “Ze Hurt Lockair”.
cooks vegan zuchinni alfredo for dinner (evolved). follows it up with fistfuls of shaved parm straight out of the tub (caveman brain)
You, dumb: Can I ask you a question?
Me, brilliant linguist: That’s literally the only type of thing you can ask