Haven’t refilled my prescriptions in a while. Which has been instrumental creating the mass grave beneath this wood shed.
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“The cat spilled water. Don’t worry, your coloring book’s fine” isn’t a thing my gf thought she’d ever say to a grown man, but here we are.
They say you don’t get a second chance to make a first impression.
I say “then what is this memory eraser gun for?!”
Im starting to think podcasts may have been a mistake.
Hadn’t tried on a pair of jeans since April. They weren’t distressed before but five minutes of wearing them and they were firing flares off into the sky.
6: I want to pick something out for your birthday next week
Me: ok, think about the things I like and enjoy doing and then we’ll go get it
6: you’re getting a chainsaw. And maybe a sword.
Me:… sweet
The downside of having friends who love sarcasm and irony is that when we make plans I’m never entirely sure we really made plans.
WHERE WAS OBAMA DURING THE SAN FRANCISCO EARTHQUAKE OF 1906???
*stares lovingly at photo of wife and child*
*bravely runs into a burning house*
“It’s empty!” some yell
“That was a stock photo” others say
I just fell over putting on my underpants. Vengeance most surely will not be mine.
Somebody call the cops.
Me: I’m so fat…
Him: *rolls eyes*
Me: *rolls fat*
Remember in the boardgame Life when you had kids and collected money? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..
Dad: HEY come here, did you go to school with this guy on tv?
Me: Dad, that’s Spongebob Squarepants
Dad: Must’ve been in your sister’s class
[job interview]
That’s all. Have any questions for us?
“Yes, did Air Bud get to use the team bathroom, or did they make him go outside?”
Him: Why is there an antenna sticking out of your hair?
Me, definitely not an alien: Why are you humans so suspicious of everything?
People who think this giraffe is taking forever to give birth have never listened to my daughter tell a story.
F: The eyes on those dolls freak me out. I wish you’d get rid of them.
Next day
F *screams*
I meant get rid of the dolls not their eyes.
My turn ons are naps, cereal, and seeing women that are prettier than me trip over cracks in the sidewalk…
Tomorrow…trade cell phones with your significant other for the day…see how many of you are single by the end of the day…
It’s pretty funny that the kid voted most likely to succeed in high school just made my value meal.
Uber is driving me to drink. Literally.
I triple waxed for this?
there’s like 20 ppl on this flight and i asked the flight attendant for as much wine as he’s allowed to give me n he was like “holidays are rough buddy they’ll get better” dude i have flight anxiety im not a white woman in a romcom this speech isn’t necessary
My mom just texted me to say that her dog killed 2 groundhogs in her backyard this morning so I think she may be doing Groundhog Day wrong.
coroner: it’s natural, just air escaping the body
my wife: could we remove the kazoo
I’m not ready for the pandemic to be over…
I have yet to bake a single loaf of bread
So creative 😂
*opens drawer* huh, I don’t remember this shirt being pink. OMG…did he…did he do laundry? *slowly opens 2nd drawer*
-Law & Order sound