Haven’t refilled my prescriptions in a while. Which has been instrumental creating the mass grave beneath this wood shed.
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If someone asks what you are doing on Halloween, earnestly look at the sky & say “I will be reaching my final form.”
4: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some eggs?
4: No.
Me: Yogurt?
4: No.
Me: Frosted Flakes?
4: [excited] FROSTED…FLAKES??
Me: Would you like some?
4: No.
[at bank]
*slides teller a note*Teller:
Me:
T:
M: [winks]
T: Seriously!?
M: uh huh
T:
M:
T: *slides me a lollipop*
Me: YOU CAN DO IT SON!
Son: Why are you being so encouraging? Are you drunk?
Me: Yep. So pass your driving test or we’re walking home.
MAN: What are you doing?
ME: [pointing gun at lake] Fishing
MAN: No way will-
SALMON: [walks out of lake with fins up]
[first day as a 911 operator]
guy: send help oh god the building is collapsing!
me: you’re kinda stressing me out tbh
Me: you know how in movies someone is yelling at someone else and the sexuality of the exchange overtakes them and they start making out
Wife: yes why
Me: my boss fired me today
[first day as undercover cop]
me: [in full uniform] lol always takes a while to get used to new routines
mobster:
I put my fitbit on my ankle so that when I’m out in public I look like a felon who escaped house arrest and people won’t want to talk to me
1st date: I love the spiderman movies
Me: So do I
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: I used to be a spider
“You are now about to witness the STRENGTH of street knowledge,” I tell my Über passengers as I turn off my GPS.
Maybe the environment should adapt to accommodate our negligence did it ever think about that
Me: I’m a tenor.
Her: You’re a six, and I’m being generous.
After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.
True story:
I once went on a date and for some reason started talking about dolphins mating. I never saw her again.
I’m listening, but this 5-year-olds ‘polka-dotted dinosaur astronaut’ story better have a point
9yo is yelling at 13yo for eating most of the Froot Loops and 13yo is yelling at 9yo for finishing the box and I’m hiding in the breakfast room eating a bowl of Fruity Pebbles and hoping they don’t notice me because I don’t want to share.
man: want a carrot?
horse: ok.
man: we’re friends now right.
horse: i guess.
man: great hey can you help me move.
Hey guy in your car behind me, Your honking isn’t going to make me type any faster.
I find that if I wear my snorkel gear when I go check the mail, the neighbors are far less chatty.
Her: What do you notice that’s different about me?
Me: I’ll just sleep on the sofa, see you in the morning.
me: meet my invisible gf
friend: u don’t have to settle for that
me: ok but she’s–
friend: i was talking to her
Sending in my taxes
So my neighbor is baking apple pie, and I’m just sitting here waiting for her to put it on the windowsill
DID Y’ALL KNOW THAT THEY MAKE CAFFEINATED WATER? WHY AM I YELLING?!?
If Ticketmaster had an outlet store, it would be called the $500 Dollar Tree.
[at the hotel california]
me: i’d like to check out
desk clerk: alright, you’re all set
me: great, bye
desk clerk: oh, but you can never leave
me: then why did you let me check out
desk clerk: *shrugs*
What do you mean we “lost” an hour of sleep? FIND IT
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.