When you know it’s a French word but you can’t quite remember which one
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FRIEND: Hey can I see your tattoo of a bat?
ME: My what?
FRIEND: Your tattoo.
ME: ?
FRIEND: *Sigh* Your battoo.
ME: Of course!
To stay safe in a fire, remember the acronym “DBOF”:
Don’t
Be
On
Fire
When a cop talks to you about Miranda, he’s not inviting you for a three-way… I know this now.
Apparently when someone tells you they’re pregnant, “why” is not an acceptable response.
Prisoner:*strapped into chair* Flip the switch & fry me.
Guard: Oh, we’re not electrocuting you…
*college kid w/ acoustic guitar walks in*
Have kids first so that you know whether or not you can keep a dog alive
Me on FB: All kids home for summer break! My heart is full!
Reality: STOP ARGUING! GO GET A JOB! DO YOUR OWN LAUNDRY! WHO TOOK MY PHONE CHARGER?
[Shipwrecked diary]
Day 1: I found a pen, and a notebook to write in. More pens. I might be in a Staples. Printer paper. I’m in a Staples.
Real person: Do you have Twitter? I’ll follow you! Me: Nope, sorry. Don’t have a phone or a computer. Or a microwave. Hard times and all..
[starts Power Point presentation titled “Why I’m Breaking Up With You”]
Him: Wait, what the–?
Me: Please hold all questions until the end.
Ordinary things that become AMAZING once you’re a parent:
-showers
-sitting down to eat
-drinking coffee while it’s hot
-pooping
I want to be a pilot, but mostly so I’d have an excuse to tell passengers, “Where we’re going, we don’t need roads.”
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
My dental hygienist is probably thinking, I bet i could braid this guys nose hair.
Me: did you throw these rocks in my pool?
3yr old son: nope. Maybe they fell out of a rock tree.
Me: ok.
Forget secret ingredients. Competitive baking show contestants should each have a toddler they have to care for while they cook.
HEY. Our ancestors didn’t eat brunch. They ate rocks. And fought dinosaurs. Ever heard of fire? They INVENTED it. Enjoy your Bloody Mary.
Doctor: “Just lie back and relax, I’ll start the lasik eye procedure in a moment.”
*Turns on laser*
*Patient’s face is attacked by cats*
If our children don’t learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?
On a packed bus googling “how to tell the person sitting next to you that you love them”
[baby pushes food away as I try feeding it]
Fine. Die.
Every time I eat a cookie in bed, I imagine it screaming “I’M GONNA CRUMB” because I have something wrong with me
[walks into a laundromat with a bag of popcorn kernels and heads straight to the dryers]
[restaurant]
date: you wanna split the bill?
me: don’t be silly!
date: oh wow thank you
me: for what?
HER: You can’t even go 5 minutes without making a Star Trek reference.
ME: Yes I Khan.
Imagine the havoc if raccoons could fly. Rotund shadows grow larger over a pizza guy moments before he’s swarmed by snarling, handsy demons.
I told my daughter she had to donate two toys to the community toy drive and she picked two of her sister’s toys to give away so I’m pretty sure she’s gonna be a CEO someday.
Not to brag, but I think I’d make a good poster child for population control
[police raid at balloon store]
Cop on radio:”We can hear gunfire is everyone ok, over”
Hedgehog cop inside:”Its not gunfire, over”