My kids continue to fight over the last piece of this dessert, or as I call it, Devil’s Feud Cake.
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Someone told me they got a futon instead of a couch/chair because they wanted their furniture to be versatile.
You can use it for sitting AND lying down?
That’s cool, bro.
My chair can be used for sitting and lion taming.
i need a six-month vacation twice a year
My neighbor thinks that the coyotes are back. When should I tell her that it was just 11 running around the backyard howling at the moon for no reason?
*As people try to get me to go kayaking.
Me: Why can’t we just rent a baby yacht? That’s all I’m saying.
Thinking about how dinosaurs ruled the world for nearly 180 million years and then out of nowhere some giant space rock was like okay it’s mammal time
WELL, THEY NEED TO WALK A BIT QUICKER THEN, DON’T THEY?
Nobody talks about how much of a newborn dad’s job is literally being a chair
Why is my daughter asking me to play jenga like I didn’t give her a brother and sister for that exact reason?
women and their purses! haha what’s in there. tampons? lol. WATER? sweater? got sweaters? do you have an extra men’s medium sweater in there
Me five minutes ago: I’m not sure what the United Kingdom is
Me now: very good result in Newcastle Central, bodes poorly for the Tories
*wanders around an office I don’t work at because someone held the door open for me when I was walking by and I didn’t want to be rude*
A vampire can’t enter your home without being invited. But that doesn’t apply to sheds. (One of those bloodsucking pricks stole my weedwacker last week.)
It’s so disappointing when you visit someone’s house for the first time, and they don’t have a dark room filled with processing photos of you.
Me: [drinks SlimFast]
Me: [takes off shirt]
Me: [drinks SlimFaster]
I like listening to true crime podcasts while I clean my bathroom because I can pretend I’m destroying evidence.
I act like I’m ok, but really this hummus is a bit spicier than I anticipated.
Me: I hope you don’t mind if I nibble during sex.
Her: Not at all!
Me: Great!
*Pulls out grilled cheese sandwich*
I saw your link on Facebook.
What happened next will blow your mind…….I didn’t open it.
I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.
I’ll tell ya one thing, if I was a feudal lord giving a scoundrel some gold for an evil deed, I’d want the little leather bag back. Like obviously it feels cool to toss a little string-tied bag to a ruffian, you can’t throw loose coins. But my man, I’m gonna need that bag back.
CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more north.
If you stare in a mirror long enough and start screaming, you’ll see angry faces of figures dressed in orange.
*only works at Home Depot
In banana years, I am bread.
A teacher is always just one loud fart away from losing control of a classroom.
I love the morals of The Ugly Duckling. “It’s ok that you look different. There is beauty in your uniqueness. Your worth comes from withi- oh you got hot lol thank god, I was just saying shit”
[invasion]
*aircrafts dropping from the sky
*explosions everywhere
*mass hysteria
Me scrolling phone: Where was that alien invader gif?
For parents, college is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they’ll send your kid back.
What do I want to do to your body? I don’t know. Identify it, I guess.
My dad left to get a pack of cigarettes 30 years ago and still hasn’t come back. That’s why I never started smoking. I just don’t have the time.
Me: So, you come here often?
Him: …..we’re in my house.